


Let Me Give You My Life

by There_Once_Was_A_Girl



Series: The Tales of Jemma Oluransi [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 12:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 25,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7052350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/There_Once_Was_A_Girl/pseuds/There_Once_Was_A_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nursey and Dex get together in the midst of all of the drama of Jemma's first few months of life.</p><p>Companion fic to "It's Going to Be Okay (We're Together)" but that one should be read first for context.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, Dex and Nursey's story. It won't be as long as the original but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
> 
> Title is from Hozier's Take me to Church. 
> 
> I own nothing Check Please.
> 
> Okay... Here we go

It starts with Thanksgiving. Well Nursey wants to tell himself that it starts with Thanksgiving, but if he’s being honest, he knows it was too late a long time ago. A lot of the guys are staying over break. They say it’s because they’re busy and they want to study or practice. They’re full of shit. They’re staying because Ransom and Holster are staying with Jemma. The entire team is enamored with her. None of them are about to miss her first official holiday with them, even if she’s too young to remember it. Nursey tells everyone that his parents are out of town anyway and he wouldn’t have anything to go home to. This is true. That doesn’t mean that he’s not just as full of shit as everyone else. Jemma is so damn cute though. 

Shitty is the only one from the Haus who has to go home. He is not happy about it. He grumbles about his damn conservative family, and the absurdity of celebrating how Europeans fucked Native Americans over, and how Bitty’s cooking will be better anyway for the entire week leading up to his departure. Still he stops complaining, and plotting various ways to offend his family members, to catch Dex and Nursey the day before he leaves. 

“Yo, Dex, Nurse, step into my office.” He calls from the roof. When they got up there (both having tried to climb out the window first, causing an elbow to the ribs from Dex and a “dude chill” from Nursey) Shitty tossed each of them a beer. He just sat there for a minute staring out over campus, not saying anything. Nursey relaxed next to him, drinking his beer, definitely not staring at Dex who shifted uncomfortably. Nursey started counting in his head, wondering how long it’s going to take before Dex loses his patience. 

“Did you have something to talk to us about?” Dex demanded as Nursey reached fifty-three. Shitty looked up at Dex mildy. 

“Yup.” He agreed, popping the P. He was stoned as hell. He’s silent for another few seconds and Nursey can practically hear Dex’s frustration. He tried not to grin. 

“Dorms are depressing as hell over the holidays.” Shitty declares at last. “Everyone is gone and those who are left are either sad, or don’t celebrate them.” 

“Accurate, but is there a point?” Nursey asked, so Dex wouldn’t lose it. Nursey knew that Dex had a test he really wanted to study for the next day (the last day of classes before Thanksgiving break). He didn’t want Dex to explode from stress, impatience, and frustration. 

“Well, I’m not going to be around, so my room will be empty. It seems stupid to leave you guys in the depressing ass dorms when you could be staying here, hanging out with the guys and Jemma and stuff.” Shitty told them with a wide smile. 

“But who would get to stay in your room?” Dex asked. 

“You guys.” Shitty answered, as if that was rather obvious. 

“I think he means which one of us.” Nursey pointed out, spotting the problem. 

“Both of you, you can share. You always share a room on roadies.” Shitty answered.

“Yeah, but there are two beds then.” Dex muttered. Nursey was rather focused on that point himself. 

“Share.” Shitty told them, frowning at their lack of appreciation. Nursey’s heartbeat was completely normal. He will swear it on his mother’s grave. His heart did not start beating faster at the thought of sharing a bed with Dex. A voice in the back of his head reminds him that his mother isn’t dead, so that oath probably doesn’t mean a damn thing. 

“I’m not sharing a bed with him.” Dex stated flatly. Whatever odd hope/excitement that had started growing in Nursey’s chest deflated rapidly, leaving him feeling worse than before. 

“It’s cool, you take the room man, I’ve spent a lot of holiday weekends alone in a dorm room.” Nursey told him. He usually tries not to think about how shitty boarding school could be. “I’m used to it, I know you’ve never spent a holiday away from your family.” 

“I don’t need your pity Nurse. I’m more than capable of surviving a holiday in a dorm room.” Dex snapped. 

“That’s not-” Nursey sighed, biting back his protest that he wasn’t trying to be demeaning, he was just trying to be nice. Dex was never going to accept nice from Nursey, and he was just going to have to learn to deal with it. 

“No!” Shitty objected before they could keep bickering, “Either you learn to share the room, or it stays empty and you stay in the damn dorms. I don’t care if one of you puts a sleeping bag on the damn floor. I am trying to be nice and promote team unity here!” 

It took a bit of convincing to get Dex to agree to this. Nursey finally promised that they would just switch off every night, who got the bed, while the other slept on the floor in a sleeping bag. When he had offered to just stay on the floor the whole weekend Dex had been on his case again about pity and charity. So they had agreed to switch off. Dex had stormed off to study, but Nursey remained on the roof with Shitty. He sat and finished his beer in silence, wishing that it didn’t bother him so much to argue with Dex.

He was always failing to stay chill when it came to Dex. The red-head was one of the most infuriating people that Nursey had ever met, but he was also basically the coolest person ever. Not in an actually cool sort of way, he was a total dork, but in a just a totally amazing person sort of a way. Dex was kind in an entirely unselfconscious way. He didn’t do nice things because he wanted to feel good about himself, or because he wanted people to see him doing nice things. He was just that way: the type of guy who helps an old lady carry her groceries without it occurring to him that this was especially kind. It didn’t even occur to him not to. He was great with his hands, helping Bitty fix his oven, and Holster with his beat up old car. It was the most amazing thing to watch. He was brilliant. Dex was so damn smart, even if he was always freaking out about school. He was always worried though, always trying to be better. Dex was always so tightly wound, but it was only because he cared so damn much about everything. Then there were those rare moments when he relaxed. Nursey rarely got to witness them. Still he treasured those little glimpses of Dex comfortable and happy. He was beautiful. He was fantastic. Derek could not get over how damn amazing William Poindexter was. It was becoming problematic. 

No matter how great Dex was, or how much Nursey was totally falling head over heels for him, some things just didn’t change. Dex was straight. Dex was a straight Republican for god’s sake. He would never look at Nursey like that. Hell he didn’t even tolerate very well. They were still D-men partners. They worked well together on the ice. Derek loved their time on the ice together, when they just seemed to click, to know each other so well they could tell where their partner was without having to look or ask. They were his favorite moments, when he felt closest to Dex. Still, as soon as they were off of the ice they were barely even friends. They argued all the time. It wasn’t all bad. Sometimes when they bickered it was a friendly sort of thing. Or at least, Nursey tried to convince himself that it was.

Derek buried his head in his hands with a sigh. He was so in love with Dex. Dex was never going to love him. He knew that neither of those things were going to change. Still he found himself agreeing to share a room with Dex over Thanksgiving break. He couldn’t help it. Nursey couldn’t give up an opportunity to spend more time with Dex. He was so in too deep. Thanksgiving was going to be a shit show.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nursey struggles and pines, and talks to Bitty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took me longer than usual to update on this fic. Real Life was getting in the way and making writing difficult.

Nursey is ready to give up after the first day. They both dropped their bags in Shitty's room on the first day of break. They hadn't stopped arguing since, except when Jemma was in the same room as them. Ransom and Holster had strictly outlawed fighting around their daughter. Dex and Nursey tended to spend time with her in alternating shifts, so that they didn't get banned. It was probably a good thing. Seeing how gentle and adorable Dex was with Jemma nearly broke Nursey. 

Derek didn’t know what to do. He kept hoping that it was going to get better. That he could get over this stupid crush but it just kept getting worse. They had been fighting for so long though. It was a mess. Whenever he tried to do nice things or be kind to Dex, the idiot thought that he was trying to be demeaning or offensive or something. Nursey wanted to scream. He couldn’t do anything right. 

That first night he stayed up later than Dex on purpose so by the time he got into Shitty’s room the other boy was already asleep. Nursey crawled into his sleeping bag on the floor, resolutely ignoring the sleeping boy on the bed. He would not think about how close Dex was. He would not think about it. 

He couldn’t sleep. He wasn’t sure if it was just that the floor was wildly uncomfortable or if it was the fact that he could hear Dex breathing on the other side of the room. One way or another, he couldn’t sleep. Instead he spent the night tossing, turning, and eventually giving up and opening his notebook. It was the notebook he kept on him at all times except when he was on the ice. His notebook of poetry. A truly sad desperate amount of it was about Dex. There were poems about his freckles like cinnamon sprinkled across the pale flour of his skin. Poems about his bright red hair, and the tomato red that spread across his face when he was angry with Nursey, like he was made of fire. Poems about how he moved on the ice. Poems about his beautiful hands when he was working with machines. Poems about those rare moments when he was relaxed and how damn beautiful he was. Poems about the sound of his breathing, and the fact that Nursey had somehow memorized it. There were poems about how much Nursey alternately hated and loved fighting with Dex. Poems about wanting to be with him so badly, just wanting to hold him close for once. Nursey had written endless love poems for Dex.

Nursey posted some of the better ones to his secret poetry tumblr account. They were well received. It was actually how Nursey had figured out how damn in love with Dex he was in the first place. He hadn’t been able to get the guy out his head and he wrote a poem about it. His followers had pointed out that he was madly in love with him. After that it had been kind of obvious. He wasn’t sure how he had thought for so long that he hated Dex. He had always thought people were full of shit when they said there was a fine line between love and hate before he had met William Poindexter. Now he had written multiple poems on the subject. He was so lost. 

Nursey had barely slept two hours when he heard Ransom and Holster getting up with Jemma. Instead of lying on the uncomfortable damn floor for another few hours he pulled himself up and stumbled down the stairs. Ransom and Holster hadn’t made it down yet so he made up her morning bottle for her. Most of the guys had learned how to prepare her formula for her within the first few days of her staying at the Haus. By the time Ransom made it downstairs with Jemma in his arms and Holster trailing behind him Nursey had a bottle ready. 

“What are you doing up so early?” Ransom yawned. 

“Couldn’t sleep. Poindexter had me sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor.” Nursey answered, “Here.” He added passing Ransom the bottle. Ransom’s eyes brightened. 

“Dude, you are amazing. Thanks!” He said taking the bottle and offering it to Jemma. She latched onto it and started drinking enthusiastically. 

“It always seems like she barely even breathes when she’s eating.” Holster observed, watching her. “It scares the hell out of me.” 

“Yeah.” Ransom agreed, brushing an affectionate thumb over Jemma’s cheek. “But she always seems to do okay.” He handed her to Holster to burp.

“Yeah, you aren’t the one who gets spit up all over his shoulder.” He muttered, but he still smiled and rocked Jemma affectionately. 

Nursey knew that both of them loved Jemma an absurd amount. Even when they complained about her waking them up, or throwing up on them, or peeing or pooping all over the place, they loved her beyond all belief. A lot of people outside the team seemed to think that they wouldn’t make it. Everyone seemed to think that Holster would eventually back out, that he wouldn’t really devote his whole life to raising a child that wasn’t even his. Nursey didn’t know how anyone could see Holster interact with his daughter and still believe that. Honestly he wasn’t sure how anyone could witness an interaction between Ransom and Holster and doubt that those two were in love with each other. They themselves seemed to miss it so it must have been possible, but he couldn’t help thinking they’d sort themselves out sometime soon. He hoped they would. After all, at least one of the damn couples on this team needed to work out. Not that he and Dex were anything close to a couple.

Before Dex even woke up Bitty and Jack accosted Nursey in the living room. He had just been sitting, typing up a few poems when the tiny southern boy burst into the room. Jack stepped in after him looking a little apologetically. 

“Nursey, Shitty is not happy.” Bitty declared. Nursey sighed. 

“How? He’s not even here.” He whined. 

“He asked us to keep him updated on the going’s on of the Haus.” Jack answered. “More specifically he asked us to make sure you and Dex were getting along.” 

“Even more specifically in his words he demanded that we tell him ‘if those two beautiful frogs don’t hold to our no-fighting agreement and need to be thrown out of my room.’” Bitty interjected. 

“And you actually ratted us out?” Nursey demanded, shutting his laptop

“Sorry.” Jack muttered, blushing a little. 

“He ordered us to interfere and remind you that if you don’t stop fighting we are to send you back to the dorms.” Bitty said apologetically, “Not that I think he’s actually going to kick anyone out, after all it’s thanksgiving and the dorms really are depressing and I don’t think I could actually kick anyone out and-” His voice was getting faster and faster. 

“Bits, it’s cool. I get it. Shitty is basically Haus dictator despite not being team captain.” Nursey said with a smile. “As long as Dex is getting the same talk, I don’t mind.” 

“Of course! We’d never single you out. You don’t actually start many of the arguments after all, well not anymore.” Bitty said instantly. Nursey grimaced. He just wanted to survive this conversation. He was hunkering down to do just that when he heard Dex’s footsteps on the stairs. Nursey didn’t really want to think about why he knew instantly that they were Dex’s footsteps. 

“Hey, Bits, can I talk to you? Let Jack handle Dex?” Nursey asked quickly, standing. Bitty nodded and followed as Nursey led him back upstairs and into his own room, brushing past Dex wordlessly on their way there. 

“What’s up Nursey?” Bitty asked, closing the door behind him gently. Nursey looked around, feeling lost. He hadn’t actually thought this out, he just couldn’t handle talking about fighting with Dex with Dex actually in the room. He just wanted to escape the room. 

“I just didn’t want to be in the same room as him.” He confessed at last. Bitty frowned at him. 

“Derek Nurse, you don’t get away that easy. Talk to me.” Bitty demanded, guarding the door. “You’ve been fighting and bickering with Dex since the beginning of the years but this is something else. These days… goodness you look like he’s hurting you every single time. Please talk to me.” he begged. Nursey bit his lip, pacing back and forth, hating himself for how very not chill he was acting lately. 

“I’m so in love with him, Bitty.” he confessed at last. Bitty actually gasped. Then he hugged Nursey. 

“Oh, honey, it’s gonna be okay.” He murmured softly.

“How is it okay? He hates me! And he so straight, it hurts.” Nursey moaned, slumping to sit on Bitty’s bed. Bitty sat next to him and patted his leg comfortingly. 

“Oh, darling, we’re going to get through this together. I’m going to go get the cookies I made yesterday and we’re going to sit here and cry over being in love with straight boys, together.” He promised. Nursey chuckled. 

“You’re in love with a straight boy too?” he asked. Bitty blushed a violent red. 

“Well at least it’s not that obvious.” He muttered. 

“It’s Jack right?” Nursey asked. 

“Or it is.” Bitty said grimacing, burying his face in his hands. Nursey shook his head. 

“Nah, I spend a lot of time watching people, studying them. I don’t think most people notice. He is definitely oblivious.” He reassured. Bitty sighed in relief. 

“Thank the lord, I think I’d die of embarrassment.” He murmured, “Right, I’m going to get cookies.” he said marching towards the door. He turned back right before he headed out into the hallway. 

“Should I invite Ransom to our pity party?” He asked thoughtfully. Nursey shrugged. 

“No idea. Holster definitely isn’t straight but he also hasn’t figured that out yet, I don’t know if it counts.” He answered. Bitty sighed and rolled his eyes. 

“Best not bother him. Those boys have enough to worry about with that baby girl on their hands. They’ll work themselves out soon enough.” he murmured. “I’ll be right back.” he added slipping out into the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As far as I'm concerned, the entire team is aware of the fact that Ransom and Holster are totally in love and need to get their heads out of their asses.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commiserating, betting, and Interesting sleeping arrangements

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyyy, so I just really wanted to quick update for you guys so this chapter is pretty much unedited, call me out if I made mistakes, I'll fix them. Thanks!

Nursey and Bitty spent a few hours eating chocolate chip cookies and commiserating. Nursey even showed Bitty some of his poems, which made Bits cry. It was equal parts embarrassing and sweet. On the one hand, something he wrote actually made someone cry because he thought it was beautiful and touching. On the other had Bitty was sort of one half of the team parents (Jack was the other half of that dynamic), and having him read Nursey’s poetry about another teammate was a little mortifying. Bitty told him about being in love with Jack. Which was also super weird but Nursey did his best to be suportive (after all every kid wants their parents to live happily ever after). The two of them together discussed Ransom and Holster’s rather unfortunate obliviousness, and Nursey invited Bitty into the betting pool of when they would finally get together. He had his own money on Christmas. 

“I’m not sure… The thing is, Holster is still convinced he’s straight as far as I can tell. Even once he realizes he isn’t, it’s a big thing to start your first homosexual relationship with the guy who is the father of your child. I would be terrified if I was in his place.” Bitty mused. He thought for another moment. “Ten dollars says they won’t get together before Easter. Is that a valid bet?” he asked at last. 

“Sounds good, Bitty has ten dollars on not before easter. I have ten on Christmas. Chowder initially said he couldn’t bet on his friend’s relationships, but then put five bucks on Valentines day. Lardo bet ten they would get together by Jemma’s six month birthday. Shitty has twenty bucks on the fact that they will literally get married before they are officially together. He said it when he was high and slightly hysterical but we’ve decided to count it as a valid bet. Dex told me he refuses to bet money on something as ridiculous as this, but that he’s sure they’ll figure themselves out before I stop being a pretentious douchebag.” Nursey summarized. Bitty sighed. 

“Oh honey, I wish you two could at least be friends. You break my heart sometimes you know that?” He said sympathetically. Nursey shrugged. 

“I’m trying. I haven’t started anything, I haven’t said anything mean to him. I’m trying to be nice but he keeps turning shit around and making it antagonistic somehow. I don’t even know how he does it. If there was a competition for starting fights he would win so easily.” he answered. Bitty nodded and patted his arm kindly. 

“You never know, sometimes things aren’t always as they seem.” He murmured. Nursey nodded morosely, not believing for a second that this was anything besides what it looked like. Bitty could obviously tell he wasn’t convinced. 

“Listen, I’m not saying you should tell him that you’re in love with him. But just talk to him, tell him the truth, that you’re not trying to start any fights, you just want to get over your differences and be friends. Sometimes just telling the truth straight out does more good than you could possibly imagine.” Bitty told him.

“We’ll see.” Nursey muttered. 

He managed to avoid Dex for most of the day, miraculously enough. It was effortless enough that he suspected Dex was avoiding him nearly as much as he was avoiding Dex. That night Nursey got to Shitty’s bedroom first. Instead of going to sleep, or trying to, or pretending to he sits up and waits for Dex. He’s sitting on the bed, scrolling through tumblr on his phone when Dex came in. The red-head looked like a deer in the headlights when he saw Nursey waiting for him. 

“Hey.” Nursey murmured. Dex looked down. 

“Hey what?” He demanded. Nursey sighed. 

“I just wanted to say you could have the bed again tonight, if you wanted. The floor is uncomfortable as hell, you won’t get much sleep down there.” He offered. Dex’s face shifted redder than usual. 

“What the hell, Nurse? Why do you insist on treating me like a child?” He snapped. “I’m perfectly capable of sleeping on the floor.” 

“Dex, chill-” the words slip out without him meaning them to. Nursey should have known better. Dex turns firey furiously red. 

“I swear to god, Nurse! If you tell me to “Chill” one more time I’m going to throw you out the window!” He growled. Nursey burried his face in his hands, ordering himself not to retaliate. 

“I’m sorry.” He muttered instead. Dex deflated slightly at the apology, he clearly hadn’t been expecting it. 

“What’s up with you today? You never apologize.” He asked, in a more reasonable tone of voice. Nursey shrugged. 

“Maybe I’m sick of fighting with you dude.” He offered. “I don’t even know what we’re fighting about half the time, we’re just fighting because we fight. I don’t want to fight you. I’m not trying to belittle you by saying you can’t sleep on the floor. I just know that you get less sleep than me during the week, I figured you would probably appreciate being able to catch up on sleep a little. I was just trying to be nice… like offering an olive branch I guess? Because I don’t really have anything against you. It’s not like I expect the bickering to end completely, but I figured you should know that from my end, we’re cool.” Nursey declared. The color had faded from Dex’s face as Nursey spoke. 

“I- What the hell am I supposed to say to that?” He spluttered. Nursey shrugged. 

“I don’t know man, it’s chill.” He muttered. Dex scowled at him. 

“Listen… I… Look I don’t hate you or anything, Nursey.” He murmured. “Consider your olive branch accepted. But you didn’t get like any sleep last night from what I can tell, it’s not fair if you take the floor again.” 

“I really don’t care if we just share.” Nursey told him, lying through his teeth. Still after his conversation with Bitty he felt surprisingly chill about everything. Ranting about his unrequited love had helped a lot. 

“I don’t-” 

“Look, have you shared a bed with your brothers, or cousins before?” Nursey demanded. 

“Of course.” Dex answered, rolling his eyes. Nursey sighed. 

“This is no different okay. We just both need to get some damn sleep.” He told Dex, climbing under the blankets and scooting carefully to one side of the bed. “Just get in.” 

“Oh, fine. I’ll get the lights.” Dex muttered at last. Flipping the switch and climbing into bed. Both of them were still wearing t-shirts, and pajama pants, a fact for which Nursey was wildly grateful of. He was all too aware of how damn close Dex was. He was so close and so warm that Nursey could feel his body heat. 

“Thanks, I guess.” Dex muttered. Nursey smiled at the darkness. He’s so warm and happy and sleepy. After going all day on a few restless hours of sleep, Shitty’s bed might as well have been the poppy field from the Wizard of Oz to Nursey. 

“Anytime Poindexter.” He murmured. “I’m glad you don’t hate me anymore.” He added softly. 

He was nearly asleep, and the words were so quiet that Nursey wasn’t sure whether he imagined the whisper of “I never did” or not. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Derek Nurse wakes up with long pale limbs twined around his body. Dex's chest is pressed against his back, his arm tucked tightly around Nursey's chest. One of his legs was between Nursey's legs, and the other wrapped over top of Nursey's upper leg, trapping it quite effectively. Nursey is not entirely positive that he hasn't died and been placed in some sort of wonderful afterlife. Dex didn't hate him. He had even agreed, albeit reluctantly, to share a bed with him.... and now Dex was wrapped so tight around him that there was no way he could escape without waking him up. He grimaced. Okay, so this was going to be awkward. This was probably exactly what Dex hadn't wanted to happen. Nursey was eternally grateful that his hips were facing out instead of towards Dex or this was going to be a hell of a lot worse. Dex snuggled even closer to Nursey in his sleep and Nursey felt the hard line of him pressed against his ass. He did his best to ignore it. He woke up with morning wood all the time, it wasn't something that could be controlled. 

"Dex?" He asked softly, "Are you awake?" The lack of response made him sigh. He shifted slightly, running a gentle hand along Dex's arm. 

"Dex, come on wake up dude, I've gotta pee." He muttered, starting to attempt to extract himself. Dex's eyelids started to flutter. 

"Nursey?" He murmured sleepily. It was the most pleasant tone of voice he had ever said Nursey's name in, like he was actually happy to bs waking up next to him. It broke Derek's heart to know that it was only sleep and confusion. 

“Yes, octopus man, it’s Nursey. Now will you let go so I can get up?” Dex’s eyes flew open properly. He flinched back, quickly withdrawing his limbs from Nursey’s. 

“Oh shit! I’m sorry- I-” He stammered. Blushing a brilliant red. Nursey slipped towards the edge of the bed, not looking at Dex. He didn’t want the other boy to see how much that hurt. 

“No worries dude. It’s chill.” He said, before getting up and heading off to the bathroom. He wasn’t positive but he figured that this was probably why Dex hadn’t wanted to share a bed in the first place: he cuddled in his sleep. Nursey also figured he was going to have to write at least three poems today just to get past this whole ordeal. After all it’s not every morning you wake up with the love of your life wrapped around you, not if you were Nursey anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! You didn't think I was going to let those two boys sleep in a room with only one bed and not share it did you? What do you take me for?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanksgiving, actual conversations, and more cuddling!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I am going to write Nursey's family as somewhat negligent which might be problematic to some people, fair warning it is discussed in this chapter. Dex's family is homophobic, but we haven't gotten there yet, but I figured I should throw some warnings in for that type of thing ahead of time.

They didn’t talk about it all day. Nursey felt like Dex was avoiding looking at him. Whenever Nursey caught his eye Dex would blush. Still, Dex wasn’t avoiding Nursey himself so that was worth something. It was Thanksgiving. They did their best not to fight that day. Nursey knew that he was still getting on Dex’s nerves every now and then, but Dex let it go. Both Dex and Nursey knew that Bitty would never forgive them if they fought on Thanksgiving. 

“Do you miss your family?” Nursey asked Dex, as he chopped vegetables and Dex peeled potatoes. He saw Dex tense, ready for a fight. Nursey sighed, holding up an appeasing hand. “Not trying to pick on you, just curious. I know you have a big family, that they were always around. It’s just… not something I’ve ever had before.” Dex looked surprised. 

“Uh, yeah I guess I do miss them. I miss all my siblings, and my cousins running around all the time. They are so sweet. I miss my mother’s cooking too. Bitty’s is better but my mom’s is familiar. This isn’t that different from being at home though, the bustle and the food, and everything. It’s less crowded though.” He answered. “Did your family never do a big Thanksgiving?” Nursey laughed. 

“No. My mom was very… Shitty about that type of thing. She said it was horrible to celebrate Thanksgiving by being gluttonous, when there are people everywhere going hungry. Usually around Thanksgiving she goes and does some form of charity. My parents don’t do Christmas either. We’re not religious so my mother said it would be… dishonest. They prefer to travel around Christmas.” Nursey answered. 

“They never take you with them?” Dex asked, surprised. Nursey shook his head. 

“No, they don’t. I think my parents liked the idea of having children a lot more than they liked having me around.” He told Dex honestly. “It’s never bothered me.” He added, the lie flowing easily off of his tongue. It always did. He had perfected it over years of holidays spent alone either in an empty house or a dorm room. As the years went on he had acquired only the company of a bottle of whiskey. He’s so busy not looking up, not letting anyone see his face, trying to stay chill, that he doesn’t see the broken hearted look on Dex’s face. 

“Derek that’s… I’m so sorry.” he murmured at last. Nursey looked up at him but Dex was already looking the other way. 

“Don’t worry about it. It’s chill, Dex.” He said, smirking. Dex gritted his teeth but didn’t offer a retort. So they went back to helping Bitty prepare dinner. 

Bitty’s Thanksgiving dinner was quite possibly the most delicious thing Nursey had ever tasted. He had cooked the turkey to perfection despite Betsey’s temperamental nature. There was also stuffing, homemade cranberry sauce (Nursey didn’t know someone could home-make cranberry sauce), green beans, rolls, various vegetables, and Dex’s mashed potatoes and gravy. Dex had made them from his mother’s recipe (which involved a truly obscene amount of butter that had made Bitty proud) and they were Nursey’s favorite part of dinner. Then again Nursey’s deep love of mashed potatoes and potatoes in all forms was without limits. 

The amount of pie that Bitty had managed to bake was truly astounding. There were fruit pies of every variety, pumpkin pies, pecan pie, custard pies, and every other type of pie Nursey could have imagined. Everyone was sitting crowded around the kitchen table, with Jemma sitting in her place of honor in a highchair at the end. Ransom and Holster sat to either side of her. She was smiling at all of them. The only time anyone stopped eating was to coo at her. 

Nursey had never thought about having kids before. He didn’t really have much experience with children, but Jemma was pretty much the most wonderful tiny human being he had ever encountered. He watched Ransom and Holster, so happy with their daughter. It was beautiful. He wondered if he would ever have that one day. He drove images of Dex and him sitting in Ransom and Holster’s places, a tiny ginger haired child between them, out of his mind. Nursey knew he couldn’t let himself think like that. He knew it was something he couldn’t have with Dex. So that night after eating endless turkey and pie, Nursey was fully prepared to sleep on the floor once more. Except, when he got upstairs Dex, who was already bed, turned to look at him.

“Umm… you’re welcome to join me if you want. I mean if I didn’t… last night… I’m sorry-” He stammered. Nursey chuckled, enjoying watching the red spread across Dex’s face.

“It’s all good dude. If you don’t mind, I don’t mind. You cuddle in your sleep, it’s chill.” He answered, thinking that he would happily sacrifice his hockey career just to be able to wake up next to Dex again. 

“Okay. Just climb in then, I’m sleepy.” Dex told him. Nursey turned off the lights and climbed into bed next to Dex. 

“Thanks Dex.” He murmured. 

“Of course.” Dex told him. “Happy Thanksgiving, Nursey.” 

“Happy Thanksgiving, Dex.” Nursey answered. He snuggled into the covers, feeling happier than he had ever been in his life. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Nursey woke up in the same position as the day before. He relaxed into Dex’s arms, soaking in the warmth and joy of his presence. He studied Dex’s face, calm, relaxed, and beautiful while he slept. His eyelashes were the same pale red as his hair. They were hard to see in day to day life, but now that Nursey was so close to him he could see that they were long and curled at the edges. Nursey studied the way they lay against his freckled cheeks. He wished he could study Dex’s eyes this closely. He loved the amber color of Dex’s eyes, the way they glowed in sunlight, but he had never been able to really pin down the correct way to describe them. He wasn’t sure if he could do it with words. It made him wish that he could draw. He wondered if he could casually ask Lardo to sketch Dex for him… probably not. Dex’s eyelids started to flutter. Nursey relaxed back down into his pillow and closed his eyes. He pretended he was asleep as Dex woke up. 

When Nursey opened his eyes again, Dex was looking down at him with something that looked awfully close to affection in his eyes. As soon as he saw that Nursey was awake he blushed and turned away. 

“Good morning, Nursey.” He muttered. Nursey smiled at him. 

“Good morning, Dex.” He greeted quietly. Neither of them moved, just relaxed into the bed and each other’s presence. For the first time in a long time, a spark of hope lit in Nursey’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I'm going to try to keep updating consistently, however, I am newly single as of today which kinda sucks and makes it hard to write adorable fluff for you guys, I will try though! 
> 
> Also I'm leaving town on the 13th, and I will not have consistent wifi but I will still be updating. Don't worry if I drop off the map for a while though! I will never abandon you folks


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mature discussions (Shitty is so proud)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so I thought I might not be able to write for a while but I am endlessly inspired by your comments etc, and this fic is a wonderful distraction from life. So Yay, new chapter!
> 
> Warnings for anxiety/panic attack-ish type thing in this chapter. Not quite but something close. Basically Dex has anxiety and he's freaking out a little bit. I'm going to add it to the tags too just in case

After Thanksgiving Dex and Nursey found a new dynamic. They didn’t fight as much. Of course for them not fighting as much meant they still fought all the time by other people’s standards, but it was different. After their conversation over Thanksgiving their fights had stopped being so personal. They bickered about inconsequential shit, but they didn’t really go after each other. They worked even better together on the ice, and off the ice, Nursey thought he could go so far as to call them friends.

“Soo… you and Dex seem to be on better terms.” Bitty hummed to Nursey one day when they were alone in the kitchen together. 

“Yeah, we really are. It’s been fantastic to actually be able to spend time with him without fighting all the time." Nursey answered with a smile. Bitty was waggling his eyebrows at him and he scoffed. 

"Bits, you know that boy is straight. I have no chance. I’m just glad to be his friend.” Nursey told him. Bitty shrugged. 

“I don’t know, Nursey. He seems really into you sometimes, he stares at you a lot… I don’t know. All we know is that Dex was raised in a very conservative environment. I know better than anyone that it’s not easy to come to terms with being anything other than a cis-straight boy when you grow up like that. Even I am not out to my family.” Bitty reminded him. 

“I’m sorry.” Nursey murmured. “I didn’t know that.” 

“It’s no big deal. It’s not like I try particularly hard to hide, I’ve just never come out to them.” Bitty said with a smile, “What about you?” 

“My parents know I’m bi. They’ve met both girlfriends and boyfriends of mine before. They’ve never cared.” Nursey said with a shrug. He knew he was lucky but honestly it felt more like indifference than acceptance coming from his parents. He was used to their indifference, so it didn’t exactly hurt, but it was hard to feel grateful. 

“Well that’s something at the least.” Bitty told him.

“And you? You and Jack seem to be getting along well on your part.” Nursey pointed out. Bitty blushed. 

“I don’t know. I mean, I flirt with him, and it feels like he’s flirting back. But he’s Jack and I… I have no idea.” Bitty confessed. Nursey put a hand on his shoulder. 

“It’ll work itself out, I’m sure.” He said softly. Bitty nodded.

“Well, we’ll see. Anyway, I have a pie to get back to. Why don’t you help me?” He invited. Nursey nodded, moving to help Bitty. 

He didn’t realize Dex was even in the Haus until he left the kitchen to find Dex sitting in the living room. He had his laptop closed on his lap and was doing something, but he covered it with his hands before Nursey could tell what it was. 

“When did you you get in?” he asked, suddenly terrified that Dex might have heard his conversation with Bitty. Dex was red faced, staring down at his lap.

“Just… not that long ago. I heard... Just you and Bitty talking, when you said… I didn’t know you were bi.” Dex stammered, his voice shaking. Nursey sat down by his side, alarmed. 

“Dex, are you alright?” he asked, setting a hand on Dex’s arm. Dex shrugged. 

“I don’t know. I… it won’t come off. I was trying… but I can’t get it off.” He said, gesturing helplessly at his laptop where a mangled Samwell Republican sticker clung resiliently to the surface. Nursey let out a soft breath. He wanted to hug Dex to his chest and never let him go.

“It’s okay Dex. It’s alright. We’ll get it off.” He reassured calmly. He knew Dex was prone to anxiety, and panic attacks. He knew it didn’t take much to set him off, especially with the end of the semester approaching. Dex had been more and more on edge the closer they got to winter break and the finals that marked the beginning of winter break. Nursey wasn’t sure exactly what had set him off but he knew the frustrating sticker wasn’t helping. 

“I’ll be right back.” He promised. “Just breathe, it’s okay.” He told Dex. He grabbed a damp cloth, some cleaning fluid and a metallic ruler before returning to Dex’s side. “Let me.” He offered. Dex handed him his laptop. Nursey held the wet cloth on top of the sticker to loosen it up a bit. 

“I’m sorry.” Dex murmured as Nursey started scraping the sticker off with his ruler. 

“Don’t apologize, Dex, it’s alright.” Nursey told him. “You don’t have to tell me, but if you want to talk about what set you off, I’m here to listen.” He added. 

“I just… I heard you talking to Bitty about how you were bi, and I don't know. So many of my friends are gay, or bi, or Shitty, and I'm over here with this damn sticker on my laptop telling the whole world I'm affiliated with a party that doesn't support their rights and that's wrong! I don't feel that way! I can't be- I don't want to have that sticker there anymore. I never want anyone on the team to feel like I don't support them. I don't ever want you to think that I'd... You're one of my best friends Nurse, and I think you should be able to love whoever you want." Dex explained in fits and starts. Nursey focused carefully on wiping the last of the sticky residue off of Dex's laptop with the cleaner before responding, trying desperately not to lose one hundred percent of his chill. He presented the clean laptop to Dex. 

"Thank you, Dex. Really, it means a lot to know you support me... us. You're one of my closest friends too, and I'm glad you're cool with my sexuality and all that." He managed to say at last, proud of the fact that his voice barely betrayed how affected by this he was. "But I feel like it's worth mentioning that you can support gay rights and be Republican, just more socially liberal. Your political party doesn't matter bro, you don't have to alienate yourself from them just to make us feel better. It's chill." He added. 

"I know, but I don't know what my political party is anymore... I just know that sticker felt wrong..." Dex answered, "Thanks though." He added. 

"That was one of the most beautiful, mature, accepting conversations I've ever heard!" Shitty exclaimed from where he had appeared in the doorway. He walked over and pulled them both into a hug.

"Shits are you crying?" Nursey asked incredulously. 

"I'm so proud of my baby frogs." Shitty sniffed. "They're tears of joy, brah, tears of joy." Shitty finally let go of them and walked away declaring that he had to find Lardo. 

"Thank you, Dex." Bitty said, also having overheard and come in. "That really does mean a lot." 

"Of course. I'm always going to support you guys." Dex said firmly, blushing at all of the attention. Bitty looked over at Nursey with a pointed glance but then smiled his usual bright smile and invited them into the kitchen for pie.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Discussions of Christmas break plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thoughts go out to the victims of the Florida shooting and their families. A horrific hate crime occurred against lgbtq+ people in Orlando last night. If you happen to live in Florida or in the area I hope you're safe, and if you can give blood please do. 
> 
> I hope this chapter can help cheer everyone up in the face of the horrible things happening in the US right now.

“Where are you going over break, Chow?” Ransom asked one day about a week before Christmas break. Everyone was sitting in the living room. Holster was bouncing a happy Jemma on his knees as they talked. Ransom was sitting next to him, occasionally tickling her feet. Ransom was asking everyone what their plans were. He seemed to be desperate to avoid thinking about his own Christmas plans. 

“Well I’ll spend most of the time at home with my immediate family, but for Christmas all my extended family goes to my grandma’s house. She’s over eighty years old but she still makes all of christmas dinner by herself. She won’t let anyone help. It’s always delicious though, so none of us fight her.” Chowder answered enthusiastically. 

“What about you Dex?” Holster asked. 

“Back up to Maine. My entire extended family comes into town for Christmas. We’re Irish Catholic you know? It’s… well it’s a lot of drunken red haired people shouting in an odd mixture of English, Irish, and gibberish, but it’s home.” He answered with a grin. 

“I like it.” Ransom said with a smile, “Sounds like our kind of family gathering.” He added glancing over at Holster with a smile. 

“Well… used to be. Now our kind of family gathering is quiet and has no excessive alcohol consumption.” Holster reminded him bouncing Jemma again. “A child friendly gathering.” 

“Very very true.” Ransom agreed. “My family will behave. Won’t they Jemma? Our family will behave for you.” He cooed with a grin. Holster was watching them. He looked so damn adoring and in love… Nursey hoped that he had a better poker face than Holster. Lardo cleared her throat to pull them out of their adorable little moment. 

“What are you up to over break, Nursey?” Holster asked. 

“Headed home, I might set up my tree. Then I’m going to raid my dad’s liquor cabinet and order Chinese for dinner and drink my way through to the new year. The usual.” Nursey said casually. He wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying or how it might sound to other people. Watching Ransom and Holster with Jemma, and thinking about his own family made him wonder what he would do if he was a parent, what he would do differently. He definitely wouldn’t travel during Christmas. They would celebrate Christmas and be a family. If he had kids he would love them as much as Ransom and Holster loved Jemma. It took him a moment to realize that no one had responded. When he looked up they were all staring at him. 

“What?” he asked, confused at the shocked, upset faces. 

“Oh, Nursey, honey, is that really how you spend Christmas?” Bitty asked, sounding heart broken. Nursey shrugged. 

“Generally yeah… Sometimes I order pizza instead, but Chinese is more traditional. It’s me and the Jewish people, good company.” He said, trying not to flinch under their stares. 

“Nurse that’s… that’s awful bro.” Holster said. 

“Nah. We never did Christmas. You don’t miss what you’ve never had.” Nursey lied easily. It was impossible to explain how hard it was to never get Christmas presents, even though he had never wanted for any gifts. 

“Still…”

“Come spend Christmas with me.” Dex said before anyone else could say anything. Even he looked startled by his invitation but he met Nursey’s eyes when Nursey looked up. 

“Really?” Nursey asked. Dex blushed but nodded. 

“Of course. If you want that is… I mean, it’s a mad house around the holidays and we’re not rich or anything, I understand if you wouldn’t want to… but no one should be alone at Christmas if they don’t want to be.” Dex answered. 

“If you mean it… definitely. I don’t want to be an inconvience or anything, but I’d love to.” Nursey answered, not even trying to remain calm anymore. His voice was awkward and a little too shaky and he didn’t care. This meant… god it meant more than Dex could possibly know. 

“Yeah man, absolutely.” Dex said with a small smile. Nursey grinned down at his knees, incapable of looking up at him. Bitty made a choked squeaking noise. 

“I just… I need to go make pie.” He managed, before hurrying out of the room, with something that sounded suspiciously like a sniffle. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later Dex and Nursey ended up walking back to the dorms together. Nursey was proud of the fact that they were capable of companionable silence these days. It was nice to just exist in Dex’s presence without fighting or even feeling the need to talk. However, they had a lot to talk about. 

“Hey, Dex? Did you really mean it about me coming to your house for Christmas break?” Nursey asked. 

“Why do you keep asking, dude? I wouldn’t tease you on something like that.” Dex answered, rolling his eyes. 

“Bro, I’m just trying to say, if you didn’t mean it, or didn’t have time to think about it or whatever, you don’t have to follow through. No sweat. I don’t want to mess up your holiday just because you feel bad for me.” Nursey told him. Dex shook his head. 

“Nah man, I didn’t… I meant it. And I didn’t ask you because I felt bad for you.” He added firmly. Nursey bites his tongue before he can ask why Dex did invite him then. After fighting with the guy for most of the first semester Nursey is very familiar with the way Dex sounds right before he’s about to break and start yelling. He really doesn’t want to push it. So instead he let’s their walk lapse back into companionable silence. 

“What are you up to tonight?” Nursey asked before they went their separate ways. 

“Gotta finish Jemma’s present.” Dex muttered. 

“You’re making her a present?” Nursey asked, his heart melting a little. Dex blushed. 

“I don’t have much… well I can’t buy her anything good, but my mom taught me to knit when I was little, so I’m making her a hat.” He confessed. Nursey can’t even find a response to that. He was faced with the sudden image of Dex knitting clothing for babies, and his brain pretty much short circuited at how unbelievably adorable and amazing the guy was. 

“Nurse?” Dex asked, sounding simultaneously concerned and like he was ready for a fight. “Do you have a problem with me knitting or something?” He demanded. Nursey managed to shake his head.

“Nope, I… um… I just remembered I’ve got this paper to write tonight. I’ve gotta go.” He stammered before fleeing. He had a lot to process by the time he got back to his dorm room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I have a lot of feelings about this chapter. First of all I may tragic backstory a little hard on Nursey's part, but his parents didn't love him enough and I have so many emotions about this! Secondly Bitty is getting really emotional over poor Nursey and Dex's loving support of him (basically this is the chapter in which Bitty is me).
> 
> Thirdly I wrote that Dex knitted Jemma a hat in “It’s Going to be Okay (We’re Together)” which led to me falling into a pit of headcannons about Dex learning to knit when he was kid. He realized it really helped with his stress and anxiety sometimes to have something relatively simple and repetitive to do with his hands that still required enough attention that he couldn't lose focus on it. Also this is super helpful in gift giving because everyone appreciates a hand-made gift. Besides, he knits like a million things all the time anyway because he's always freaking out about something. He has a whole knitting basket full of nice yarn and all different kinds of needles. Dex is sooo good at this shit. All the most complicated shit is easy to him. He loves trying out new patterns, like he gets so excited. However he's been teased about this before so is super self-conscious about it. Still, everyone he loves is decked out in amazing hand knitted winter gear. (Nursey is never going to be cold again just saying). I have a lot of feelings about Dex knitting... So does Nursey for that matter.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which everything falls apart (aka your author is kind of satan and she's sorry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm sorry for this... 
> 
> Warnings for panic attacks, and... implied homophobia (I guess?) in this chapter.

Nursey and Dex didn’t talk about Christmas break plans much over the last week of the semester. Both of them were busy with finals. Dex’s anxiety had obviously reached a fever pitch. One day when Nursey stopped by Dex’s dorm room on the way to the Haus he found the redhead sitting on his bed with his hands lost in tangle of yarn, tears in his eyes as he gasped for breath. Nursey had seen enough panic attacks to recognize what was going on. He stepped into the room careful not to startle Dex but also to make enough noise that Dex would know he was there.

“Dex?” He asked softly, “Dex, it’s okay. You’re going to be okay. Just breathe.” He murmured. Dex’s eyes flashed over to him, so Nursey knew that Dex had heard him but he didn’t react other than that. Nursey sat down next to him, but was careful not to touch him without permission. 

“Dex, I’m going to take your hand, is that okay?” He asked softly. Dex managed to nod a little. Nursey took hold of one of his hands gently, and pressed it to his own chest. “Can you feel my heartbeat? Feel my breathing? Can you try to breathe with me? In… Out…” Nursey carefully monitored his own breathing as he held Dex’s hand against his chest. Dex’s breathing slowed a little bit from sobbing gasps to something closer to normal, trying to match Nursey.

“Good, good job, Dex. Just keep breathing. You just focus on this. This is all there is. Just you and me right here, breathing.” Nursey murmured. Dex set the mangled mess of yarn on his lap aside, and then shocked Nursey to the core but moving forwards to wrap his arms tight around him. Dex buried his face into Nursey’s shoulder. Nursey let his arms circle around his friend’s back, holding him closely, still keeping his breathing slow and steady. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay, Dex. I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You’re always safe with me, Dex.” he murmured. He noticed Dex relaxing more and more as he spoke, so he kept talking just saying whatever he thought might help. “That’s right, Dex. You’re okay. You’re perfect. You are amazing you beautiful, perfect boy. It’s alright.” he wasn’t even paying attention to what he was saying anymore, just trying to help. Finally he realized Dex wasn’t shaking anymore, his breathing was normal, and he wasn’t gripping Nursey nearly as tightly anymore. He hadn’t let go completely though. Nursey loosened his grip and leaned back slightly.

“You alright?” He asked. Dex let go of him, brushing a hand uselessly over the wet tear-stain he had left on Nursey’s shirt before scooting back awkwardly. He was blushing and wouldn’t meet Nursey’s eyes. 

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m sorry.” He muttered. 

“Nah, man, you had a panic attack, never apologize for that.” Nursey insisted, “And I’m always here if you need me.” He added. 

“Thanks, really…” Dex told him. 

“You’re welcome. Always.” Nursey repeated. There were a few moments of awkward silence, Nursey could feel Dex wanting to say something. He was hesitating, still not looking up at Nursey. 

“Did you call me beautiful?” Dex asked at last, softly. Nursey felt his cheeks flare hot. 

“Shit… um… I didn’t realize I said that aloud… I…” He suddenly had no idea what to do or say. “Yeah, I did call you beautiful, and perfect.” He admitted at last. 

“Why?” Dex asked, sounding startled, looking up for the first time. Nursey chuckled.

“Why do you think, Dex?” He asked helplessly. “I don’t know what to tell you, I didn’t mean for this to happen, but it did. I- I- you’re the most amazing person I know, Dex. I’m never going to ask for something you can’t give, but you know how I feel now. Now it’s your choice what to do.” He said, carefully keeping his voice in his check, holding his shaking hands still in his lap. He wanted more than anything to lean forwards and kiss Dex before he never had another chance, but he knew he couldn’t. He didn’t need Shitty’s rants to know that Dex was in no state to consent, or make any important decisions right now. Dex was staring at him in shock. 

“You… what?” He stammered. 

“Dex. I am in love with you. You don’t have to say or do anything now, but… well…here this is for you.” Nursey fished his diary of love poems out of his pocket and handed it to him. 

“I… I don’t know how you could think I… I don’t want your book! I’m not-! I-” Dex stammered, his eyes full of something that looked painfully like horror. Nursey had known it was coming, known that Dex was straight, known he would be rejected… but some small part of him had started to hope during the past few weeks, and the words hit him like someone had blasted a hole in his chest. Nursey stood up, holding back a sob. 

“I know. It’s fine. I- it’s okay.” He choked out. He set the journal that Dex wouldn’t take on the bed where he had been sitting. “I hope you’ll still read those. They’re for you. If you don’t want anything to do with me after this, I’ll understand, but I’ll always be your friend. I’m sorry.” Nursey’s voice broke as he turned away. 

Dex didn’t say a thing as Nursey strode out of his room, waiting until he was in the hallway to break into a run. He barely got back to his dorm before he broke down in tears. He slammed the door closed and fell back against it, sobbing. He didn’t know how something he had been preparing himself for since the beginning could hurt so much, but he could stop thinking about the horror in Dex’s eyes. He couldn’t stand the idea of Dex’s disgust, saying he didn’t know how Nursey could possibly think Dex might love him back. It broke his heart over and over again. He’s not sure how long he sobs on the floor of his dorm room before managing to text Bitty. It’s miraculous how fast the southern boy materializes at the door to his room, with some fresh pie, chocolates, and a box of tissues. 

“Oh, Derek. I’m so sorry, Honey.” He murmured, hugging Nursey tight. “You’re gonna be okay. I promise.” he reassured. Nursey couldn’t bring himself to point out exactly just how wrong that statement was. Bitty was ushering him over to his bed. The older boy tucked Nursey into his bed, somehow produced a cup of warm tea, which he set on the bedside table, and sat by his side, murmuring comforts and reassurances. Nursey couldn’t protest. Instead he just leaned into Bitty and let his friend do the one thing his parents had always failed to do: take care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me. I'll fix it I promise. I didn't intend for this chapter to get as angsty as it did, but we all knew the conflict was coming... there might be at least one more pretty rough chapter before it gets happy again but it will be happy I promise. 
> 
> Love y'all for all of your comments <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nursey is sad and Dex is awkward and has no idea how to deal with life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, you cannot believe the struggle I've been through attempting to get these chapters to you. I have be stuck in a wifi-less receptionless deadzone for four days and will remain there for the forseeable future. (It's actually my favorite place ignoring the lack of wifi). Anyway in the meantime I have written four chapters unable to post them, so get ready for a chapter dump. 
> 
> Also warnings for depression and suicidal thoughts in this chapter. Nothing awful but you've been warned.

Nursey didn’t see Dex for two days. It was a combined effort of avoidance. Nursey knew Dex was avoiding him, and the last thing he wanted was to see Dex. Bitty, Jack, Shitty, and Lardo all helped them go through life without encountering each other. They all knew what had happened, or at least knew the basics of it. Ransom and Holster were pretty much oblivious, too wrapped up in their own chaotic lives and endless pining to realize their younger D-men were falling apart. Nursey didn’t blame them for it. The guys had a daughter, they could hardly be expected to keep up with other people’s relationship drama. 

He was glad that he didn’t have to see Dex immediately, but he knew he had to face him eventually. He figured it would be after Christmas break. He was rather looking forwards to sitting in his childhood bedroom and drinking himself into oblivion, as much as it was possible to look forwards to one of the most depressing recreational activities ever. Still maybe if he drained the damn liquor cabinet he could forget that all of this even happened. Maybe if he drained the liquor cabinet he wouldn't have to wake up at all. Nursey swore to himself. It had been a while since thoughts like that had creeped into his head. He had been doing so well since coming to Samwell. 

Nursey had a few very dark years in his past. There had been years when suicidal thoughts were a daily occurance. One memorable year when he had actually called the hotline number on Christmas. He had been drunk, alone, and sixteen years old. At that time he had felt like he would never be anything more than exactly that. The woman on the other end of the line had talked to him for a long time before he had felt okay enough to say goodbye and know he would still open his eyes the next day. He had opened his eyes the next day. He had cried and cried that day; hungover and terrified by how close he had actually been to never waking up again. After that Nursey had made a concerted effort to get better. He focused on his poetry, on hockey and all the things in life that made him happy that made life worth living. It may not have been the correct way to do things. He had never told his parents. He had never gone to a therapist, or taken medication. The most he had ever talked about it was at some slam-poetry readings, when the dark thoughts were evident in his poems. Still, his way of continuing on through life worked for Nursey. It kept him alive. Then he had left high-school, and it got better. He didn’t know whether the chemicals in his brain had just evened out more, or if school had just been that bad for him, but it was better. 

Nursey may still have some bad days but they were far outnumbered by the good. Derek Nurse was a happy well adjusted human being. He was very proud of that fact. It was a quiet happy warmth of accomplishment in his chest. Sometimes he wished he could share it with others, but it was hard to explain how one of your proudest accomplishments was simply not being dead. No one really applauded you for that. Still Nursey was proud of himself. He wouldn’t let go of that. 

Nursey almost wanted to hate Dex for how bad he felt right now, but he couldn’t. It wasn’t Dex’s fault. Even if it had been Dex’s fault he would never have been able to hate him. Nursey couldn’t even really regret telling Dex about his feelings. It hadn’t exactly gone well, and the timing had been shit, but it needed to happen at some point. The one thing that Nursey really did regret was giving him the notebook of poetry. He wondered if Dex would even read it, or if that was too much, just Nursey shoving his unwanted affections at him again and again. If he did read it Nursey didn’t think he would ever be able to look Dex in the eye again. Actually he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to do that anyway, but it was worse imagining that Dex had read all of his love poems to him, maybe laughed at them, rejected them. All the same the last thing Nursey was expecting was the text that appeared on his phone after those two days. 

‘When do you get out of your last exam?’ It read. Casual. Like nothing had happened. Nursey frowned at his phone. 

‘Um… 2 on Fri. This is Nursey u know that right?’ he sent back after overthinking it a million times. 

‘No shit, dude.’ Dex answered. Nursey felt lost an confused. He couldn’t understand why Dex was talking to him.

‘Why?’ He sent back, not exactly sure what he was asking about. 

‘I was trying to plan out when we’re leaving for break? Duh.’ Dex sent back after a long pause. 

‘What?’ Nursey sent back, unable to comprehend what the hell was going on right now. His phone didn’t buzz again for a long moment. He sat on his bed staring at it trying to figure out what was going on. Dex had rejected him. Dex undoubtedly hated him. Dex was texting him about leaving for break. He couldn’t reconcile these facts. Before he could think about it too much there was a knock on the door. He shot to his feet, expecting anyone but Dex, desperately hoping it was Dex. He didn’t even know why he wanted to after two days of avoiding him, but Nursey knew that even just two days was too long to go without seeing William Poindexter. 

“Hey, can I come in?” Dex asked when he opened the door. Nursey stood back wordlessly letting him in. He was suddenly all too aware of the fact that his room was an absolute mess, and there was a pile of tissues on his bedside table. Before he could even figure out what to say Dex started talking. 

“Listen. I’m sorry I reacted so badly when you… well you know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you or anything. You’re still one of my closest friends, you’re my best friend. I don’t want to lose that.” he said, then took a deep breathe. “I don’t know… I don’t know how to process or deal with everything that’s happened, but you are my best friend and I still don’t want you to be alone on Christmas. So if we can just pretend that it didn’t happen? Just for break, and see if we can figure things out, I’d really like it if you still came to my house for Christmas.” He finished. It took Nursey a long moment to process that. 

“I… really?” he stammered. “Just… you seemed so disgusted when I told you.” 

“What?! No!” Dex exclaimed, looking legitimately upset. “I was surprised. I was… I don’t even know. But I wasn’t disgusted, never. It’s… I… I’m sorry you thought that.” He managed. He was bright red and stuttering, but the words were a balm on the pain in Nursey’s chest. Nursey had always known that Dex would never want him the way he wanted Dex, but just to know that Dex still wanted him as a friend was a relief. It was better, Nursey realized, to have Dex in his life as a friend and let his feelings die quietly, than it would be to let go of him entirely. 

“Thank you.” He said quietly, to the floor. “I’d really like that: to still be friends, and to spend Christmas with you. If you’re sure you don’t mind. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m really sorry if I did.” 

“Dude. Let’s just… it didn’t happen, okay. We’re friends. We’re spending Christmas at my house. Let’s just stay there.” Dex offered. Nursey nodded. 

“I can do that.” He agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: If you are depressed/suicidal please get help, you don't have to just soldier through, and you are not alone. Nursey's actions in this chapter are not in any way indicative in how I think you should deal with depression, just how he did


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An introduction to the Poindexter clan and more of boys being stupid (as always)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I headcannon Dex as super Irish and idk if that's a cannon thing or not but it's there in this fic. Also I went a bit... stereotypical with the drunken irish bit here, sorry not sorry. Hope I don't offend anyone
> 
> Additionally I have no clue what type of siblings/cousins etc Dex has and I don't care I wrote what I wrote. Where I'm at I can't even google it unless I want to sit outside using up my data and getting eaten by bugs like I am currently.

Nursey didn’t think he could do it. They were parked in the driveway of Dex’s house. It was a small place, made to look all the smaller by the fact that there were way too many cars parked in front of it, cars that obviously belonged to the small army of Poindexters flowing out of the house. Nursey didn’t care that the house was small. It looked like a home, something he that couldn’t be said for his parent’s white museum-y mcmansion of a house. 

“William!” The cry came up from a group of tiny redheaded children who tumbled out of the door and swarmed Dex as soon as he got out of the car. He laughed and touseled various heads, greeting each of them. Nursey stepped out of the car hesitantly, watching the scene in front of him with a smile. Dex was truly adorable with kids. Nursey still wasn’t quite sure where the two of them stood though. They had interacted relatively normally over the past day or so, but there was a wariness to it all. Nothing was quite the same as it had been but they both avoided talking about it. Dex turned to him. 

“Nursey, I’d like you to meet my younger sister Eleanor, and my cousins, Frankie, John, and Sarah.” He said patting each child on the head as he named them. “Everyone this is my friend Derek Nurse from school, but you can call him Nursey.” 

“Hello.” Nursey said waving awkwardly. He didn’t really know how to handle big families. He had never been part of one. Still of the smaller Poindexters waved at him and smiled, talking over each other to say hello. Dex just laughed. 

“Come on guys, we should get back inside. We still have to introduce Nursey to everyone else.” Dex urged ushering them on ahead of him. This turned out to be the wrong thing to say. Suddenly Nursey found himself being tugged along by tiny hands, pulled from person to person to be introduced to each of them. He met Dex’s parennts, aunts uncles, grandparents, more siblings, more cousins… it seemed never ending. Finally he looked over to see Dex by his side again grabbing his arm. Nursey followed gratefully as Dex towed him out of the crowd and upstairs. Finally he shut the door to what must have been his room behind them. 

“Sorry about them, they can be a bit overwhelming to outsiders.” Dex muttered. “Anyway, this is my room.” He added gesturing widely at the small space. There was a twin bed pushed against one wall and an air mattress on the floor next to it. The room also held a small desk and a dresser. The room was shockingly neat, but the walls were crowded with posters and pictures. Nursey took all of it with a wide smile. 

“Cool.” He said with a smile, dropping his stuff by the air mattress. 

“No, you get the bed.” Dex said gesturing at it. Nursey laughed.

“You’re kidding. It’s your bed Dex, I’m cool on an air mattress.” He promised. “Really I can sleep almost anywhere.” He added. He wondered if Dex had flashed back to thinking of when he couldn’t sleep on the floor as well. He wondered what Dex thought about those few nights they had spent curled up together now that he knew the truth. 

“You’re the guest, my mom would have my hide if she found out.” Dex muttered. 

“Then we won’t tell her.” Nursey answered, “But I will not kick you out of your bed. You invited me into your house for Christmas, come on, the least I can do is let you keep your bed. I insist.” He told Dex. Dex shrugged.

“Fine, but I’m blaming you if she finds out.” He said. Nursey chuckled. 

“It’s the least I can do.” He repeated. 

This was not entirely true. Nursey had brought Dex’s Christmas present with him, as well as a nice bottle of wine for his parents and a few boxes of fancy chocolates for his siblings and the other children. He had never really had an opportunity to give Christmas presents before. He hoped he had done okay. He had been so worried about what to get Dex. After all he didn’t want to get him something impersonal, like something hockey related, Dex was his best friend after all. He couldn’t get him something too personal either, he was worried Dex would freak out again and he couldn’t handle that. 

All too soon they were being called back downstairs into the mess of Poindexters for dinner. Nursey offered to help but there were so many people in the kitchen and dining room that the most useful thing he could do was stay out of the way. He ended up in a corner of the living room playing with Dex’s little cousins. They were sweet. It made him wonder what Jemma would be like when she got older. He wondered if Dex would have kids like these some day, little redheaded children with a loving mother and father. Nursey wondered if he would still be around, Dex’s friend, like an uncle to his children, or if he would have been long forgotten by that point. 

Nursey tried to shake the thoughts away from him. Instead he focused on getting to know the Poindexters. It was quite the challenge. Dex had not been joking or exaggerating when he described his family gatherings. Half of the things being said weren’t in a language that Nursey could speak. They would yell things back and forth in Irish. Nursey was shocked when Liam, a cousin, called something to Dex in Irish and Dex answered in the same language. He had known that Dex spoke the language, it was part of his family heritage even if they had lived in America for a few generations now, but it was different to actually hear him speak it. Nursey also quickly learned where Dex got his quite frankly miraculous alcohol tolerance from. All of the elder Poindexters drank like the best of them. Dex’s father offered Nursey a beer as well, tossing one to Dex without needing to ask. Dex laughed at Nursey’s raised eyebrow.

“Drinking age is relative in this house. It’s fine.” He reassued, passing the beer to Nursey instead of letting it be lobbed at his head. Nursey nodded at him gratefully. 

By the time all the younger Poindexters had gone to sleep, tucked into various nooks and crannies in almost every room of the house, the older generation was well on its way to drunk.

“We don’t get together all that often.” Dex offered in explanation. “When we do, we drink!” He added brightly. Nursey laughed, he had been nursing his beer, determined to remain sober around Dex’s family, but he was the only one. 

“We’re Irish!” One of Dex’s older brother’s said, wrapping an arm around Dex’s shoulders. “We’re real men! We drink strong beer, and play real sports! Didn’t ya say you had some little figure skating queer boy on your team though, Billy?” He asked. Dex stiffened. 

“Get your head out of your arse Tyler.” He growled. “Bitty is a good hockey player, and no less man than you because he was a figure skater, or because he’s gay.” 

“Woah! No need to get rea defensive Billy! Since when do you care?” Tyler asked, surprised. Dex rolled his eyes. 

“Since… since always. I’m sick of your heternormative bullshit, all of you.” Dex slurred slightly as he spoke. “Bitty’s my friend. Nursey’s my friend!” He added slinging an arm over Nursey’s shoulder. 

“You a homo too then?” Tyler asked, looking at Nursey with some surprise. 

“It shouldn’t matter!” Dex exclaimed before Nursey could answer, “He’s Bi, and he’s my friend. He’s important…” Dex looked down introspectively, then back up at his brother. “And you’re a dick.” he concluded with a smile. Nursey was grateful that his darker skin made his blushes less obvious. He wrapped an arm around Dex’s waist to hold him steady. 

“Come on Dex, let’s get you somewhere you won’t get into a fight.” he muttered. 

“I don’t care, I’ll fight him for you.” Dex offered happily. Nursey blushed even harder. 

“That’s nice, Dex. Thank you. Come on.” He murmured, towing his friend to the other side of the room. He was hoping to just drag Dex up to his room so the guy could sleep it off but Dex let go of him and immediately joined his dad and some cousins in singing some sort of drinking song in Irish. Nursey felt like he had maybe drank more than he thought somehow. He felt dizzy and hot, listening to Dex sing in a beautiful tenor, while his words about Nursey being important still rang in Nursey’s head. He finally managed to get Dex upstairs after two songs. 

“I meant it.” Dex murmured from his bed once they were both in bed. “You’re important, Nursey. Important to me.” 

“Thanks, Dex.” Nursey managed to answer while he felt like his chest was collapsing into itself. “Get some sleep buddy. You’re drunk.” 

“No… I mean, yeah I’m drunk, but I still mean it. I don’t want… I don’t want to hurt you, because I care about you... I… I can’t find the right words.” Dex said, sounding irritated. Nursey sighed. 

“It’s alright Dex, we can talk when you’re sober. I know what you mean.” He promised. Dex had already told Nursey that he was his best friend. 

“No you don’t.” Dex muttered and then he was asleep. Nursey sighed. He reached up to tug Dex’s blanket more securely over him, before letting himself fall into sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is my personal belief that the only way Dex knows how to deal with his shit besides knitting is fighting people, like that's it. Either he gets into fights or makes pretty scarves and shit. He's an adorable little ball of rage sometimes


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas part one!

On Christmas morning Nursey was woken up by a small body dive-bombing him from above. 

“Derek! William! Christmas!” Dex’s sister Eleanor called out. Moving to jump on her brother as well. “Wake up! It’s Christmas!” She yelled in his ear. 

“Ella, Jesus, what time is it?” Dex demanded looking over at his clock. He let his head fall back against his pillow with an exhausted moan. “Why on earth are you waking me up at eight o’clock in the morning?” 

“Because it’s Christmas!” Eleanor repeated. “Mum’s making breakfast. Come on get up!” She urged tugging on his arm. He sighed and got up resentfully. 

“Okay, okay. Just go bother someone else, we’ll be down in a bit.” He promised. “We aren’t allowed to open presents until after we all eat a family breakfast. The younger kids take this to mean breakfast should start as early as possible.” He told Nursey apologetically. Nursey smiled. 

“It’s okay.” he said through a yawn. “Were you like that when you were little?” He asked. Dex laughed. 

“I was the worst. Tyler almost killed me one year when I tried to get everyone up at five AM.” He admitted. Nursey chuckled, trying not to let Dex see his dark look at the mention of Tyler’s name. 

None of them had talked about it in the days since that first drunken night, but Nursey caught Tyler glaring at both Dex and him. Dex had apologized for being so drunk but hadn’t said another word about the whole night so Nursey didn’t even know if he remembered it all. He wished he did though. He wished he could tell Dex how much it meant to him, that his friend would stand up to his own brother for him when he didn’t have to. Still they were not talking about it. They were getting good at not talking about things. 

Nursey and Dex trooped down to the kitchen in companionable sleepy silence, where they were met by the rest of the clan. They were all equally red eyed and yawning as they piled biscuts and gravy onto their plates, Dex’s mother fluttered through the house distributing sausages and fresh Irish Soda bread. It was all absurdly delicious and Nursey dug in gratefully alongside everyone else. The house was the quietest Nursey had heard it since he showed up, everyone eating in silence. Only those Poindexters under the age of twelve seemed to be properly awake, bouncing in anticipation. As soon as everyone started stacking their plates in the sink they were all being herded into the living room. Eleanor and her compatriots distributing presents from underneath the tree.

Nursey was in love with the Poindexter Christmas tree. It was a real pine tree, just barely short enough to fit into the house and so fat it looked nearly round. It was covered in multicolored lights and a mixture of handmade and old glass ornaments, all of it then layered in a healthy coating of tinsel. It was beautiful, shining, disorganized, and so obviously full of the love of this family who had spent so long picking out the perfect tree and decorating it. It was everything that Nursey’s life hadn’t been before Samwell, everything that he wanted it to be. Dex’s mother had been horrified when Nursey told her that his family never set up a Christmas tree and had coerced him into being the one to set the star on top of the tree. After that she had seemed to decide that it was her responsibility to make this Christmas make up for all the ones that Nursey had missed. 

Nursey was surprised when he was handed multiple presents to add to his stack. He looked over at Dex for an explanation. His friend shrugged.

“The one in silver wrapping is from me. I guess the other two are from my parents.” He offered. Nursey blushed and thanked the Poindexters several times before he had even opened his presents. He had been given what must have been a handknitted sweater from Mrs. Poindexter, a bottle of Irish whiskey from Mr. Poindexter, and Dex had knitted him a beautiful intricate scarf in Samwell colors. Nursey pulled on his sweater and wrapped the scarf around his neck immediately, thanking everyone all over again. 

When Dex unwrapped his present from Nursey his eyes lit up happily. Nursey had found him a handmade ceramic yarn bowl, to stop his yarn from rolling away when he was knitting, as well as several balls of soft yarn that the lady at the shop had said was the very best. Nursey had spent a long time wandering throught the store full of yarn completely lost, trying to pick out the perfect things before the woman had come to his aid. In the end Nursey had spent an obscene amount of money on nice yarn and the bowl but he wouldn’t tell Dex that. Honestly, Nursey couldn’t understand why glorified string was so damn pricey, but Dex’s face was totally worth it. After that day when Dex had told Nursey he was knitting Jemma a hat, he had explained that his mother had taught him to knit when he was young. He told Nursey about how it helped him calm down and he really loved it, looking nervous like he thought Nursey would judge him for it. Nursey thought it was adorable. 

“Oh my god, Nurse, this stuff is fantastic!” Dex exclaimed running his hands over his new yarn. 

“Really? I wasn’t sure what would be best, but the lady at the store said that this would be good. I don’t know…” Nursey mumbled.

“It’s perfect, thank you.” Dex said hugging Nursey before he could keep rambling. Nursey hugged him back with a smile before they both turned back to the rest of the family and the gift opening process. There appeared to be some complicated order in which everyone opened presents but Nursey couldn’t understand it for the life of him. 

After that the day was a blur of food and celebration. It was the best day Nursey had ever had. He didn’t even mind going to church with them all again, even though they had just been the night before. He had liked the Christmas Eve service actually, with all the candles the church really was beautiful. It was almost enough to make him forget about all the harmful things the Catholic church preached, and the fact that he himself was not religious. Still he knew it was only respectful to go to church with his hosts and he couldn’t bring himself to be all to upset about it, just mildly uncomfortable, especially when Tyler kept glaring at him. All the same, it was a fantastic day. Nursey even felt like he might think Mrs. Poindexter’s cooking was better than Bitty’s a fact that he would never say aloud. It might have just been the fact that Nursey was in a  better mood than he had been in a long time. He couldn’t believe that he had considered spending this day alone at home with whiskey and pizza. 

When they finally stumbled back upstairs Nursey was warm and happy and stuffed full of food. He was looking forward to falling asleep on the air mattress, listening to the sound of Dex breathing. In short he was not prepared for Dex to pull two leather bound notbooks out of his bag and set them in front of him. One of them was clearly brand new. The other one was Nursey’s. The notebook he had given Dex on that fateful day, full of unwanted words of love. He wasn’t ready for Dex’s serious face when he asked:

“Can we talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun duhhhhh


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas part two!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My last chapter for you for today but this fic isn't over at all, these two idiots still have a lot to sort out

“I thought we weren’t talking about it.” Nursey blurted before he could think about it. Dex flushed red. 

“I know I said that but… The thing is I can’t not talk about it.” He muttered, looking down at the notebooks, then shoved them towards Nursey. “These are for you.” He added. Nursey stared down at the notebooks sitting between them, trying to pretend his heart hadn’t just plummeted. 

“Did you read it?” He asked gesturing towards his old notebook. Dex nodded but didn’t say a word. He looked like he couldn’t say a word. “I’m sorry Dex. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. I shouldn’t have given it to you at all.” He reached a hand out towards the notebook. Dex’s hand jolted, almost like he wanted to reach out and grab the journal before Nursey could. 

“I… Don’t say that.” Dex stammered. “I’m glad you gave it to me. They’re beautiful poems, Nurse. I loved them.” He said, staring at Nursey. Nursey felt like the world was spinning. He didn’t quite know what was going on. He wasn’t entirely sure that he wasn’t actually asleep, currently dreaming. 

“I don’t understand.” He whispered. Dex somehow managed to get redder. 

“I don’t… I can’t… I’m not good with words. I can’t write you poems, or songs. I’m not brave like you are. I can’t stand tall and say what I am… I couldn’t even face you when you were brave enough to tell me how you felt. I ran away. I shouldn’t have run away from you Nursey, I knew it as soon as I read your poems. They’re so beautiful, Derek, just like you. I loved them. I- I love you.” Dex stuttered, tripping over his words, and blushing like he wanted to sink into the ground, but his amber eyes held Nursey’s the entire time. 

“I…” Nursey couldn’t comprehend those words coming from Dex after everything that had happened. He couldn’t understand what was going on. He felt lost and confused even as some part of his chest felt so damn full that it might burst. 

“I’m so sorry.” Dex said, “For everything I said, and did. I’m sorry I was such an idiot. I’m sorry I fought with you so much. I just… God, I love you.” He breathed before lurching forwards to press his lips against Nursey’s. His mind might still have been whirling, he still didn’t quite understand what was going on, but Nursey didn’t care. He wrapped his arms around Dex and kissed him like he would never breathe again. 

“I love you, Dex.” He whispered in between frantic hurried kisses. “I forgive you. It’s okay. I love you. I love you so much.” 

Nursey lost track of how long he spent kissing Dex. The taste of him was intoxicating. His hair, which Nursey ran his hands through, was soft and gorgeous. The firey red had faded from his cheeks some but he remained flushed, the fire still present, still there in his eyes and the passionate way in which he kissed Nursey back. Nursey couldn’t get over the fact that he was kissing Dex and Dex was kissing him back. He wondered absently if it was possible to die of happiness as he shifted to kiss a line down Dex’s neck before returning to his mouth. They ended up on Dex’s bed, Nursey lying haphazardly across Dex’s chest, kissing him. Eventually it stopped being so frantic and despeate and turned into something softer, sweeter. No matter how much Nursey wanted more, he knew he wouldn’t let this go further than kissing tonight. They needed to talk. He pulled away from Dex regretfully. Once he had though, he had no idea what to say, and was left staring at him in complete awe for a few moments. Dex was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. 

“So… I’m a bit confused.” he managed to murmur at last. “Can you help me out here? Because I thought you were straight. I mean, you always seemed so… and you freaked out when I told you that I loved you, and said we were just friends. Now… this. I’m a bit lost.” 

“I was terrified.” Dex answered, both of them were whispering, so close in each other’s space that they could hear the tiniest sound. They were lying side by side, facing each other on Dex’s tiny bed. 

“I grew up Catholic, conservative. I knew I couldn’t be… I was told that it was wrong. That this was wrong. I believed it. I spent so long trying to make myself something I wasn’t. I spent so long hating myself, I still… It hurt. Then you. You and your beautiful face, and your poetry, and your, your everything! I tried so hard to hate you. I wanted to hate you. It would have made everything so much easier. I tried so hard to fight with you, not to fall for you, but… You.” He said it as if Nursey was some kind of undeniable force of nature. “I was in denial. I was terrified. I was, I am, a coward. Meanwhile there you were being so honest, so perfect, telling me that you loved me, and I couldn’t even tell you the truth. I was too damn scared of it all. I was scared of what other people might think of me. Scared of my own feelings. I was so damn scared of what I am…” Dex murmured. “I’m gay.” He added in the tiniest whisper, tears spilling down his face. Nursey didn’t have to ask to know it was the first time Dex had ever said it, maybe the first time he had ever even admitted it to himself. He wrapped his arms around Dex again, pulling him tight against his chest. 

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, Dex.” He promised as Dex cried into his shoulder. “You aren’t a coward. You’re so brave. There’s nothing wrong with you, love. You’re perfect, no matter what people say.” He murmured. Dex held him so tight, and Nursey knew it would take more than a day for Dex to believe him. He knew he could never convince Dex that there was nothing wrong with him until Dex himself was ready to believe it, but he also knew that he was going to keep saying it again and again for as long as Dex needed him to. 

“I love you, Nursey.” Dex murmured into his chest. Nursey felt his heart jump every time Dex said those words. He held him closer. 

“I love you too, Dex.” Nursey said. “It’s okay. We’ll figure all of it out. Not tonight though. You’ve been so brave tonight. So amazing. You should get some sleep.” 

“Stay here?” Dex requested quietly. Nursey nodded settling in by his side. 

“Of course, love. I’m not going anywhere.” He promised. 

“Merry Christmas, Nursey.” Dex murmured sleepily, just before drifting off. 

“Merry Christmas, Dex.” Nursey answered, happier than he had ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Did I do good?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dex and Nursey discuss their relationship status

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short, and there's only one chapter. I was distracted by writing another CheckPlease AU, titled Bubbles

Nursey woke up with a soaring feeling in his chest, and William Poindexter wrapped tightly around him. It was the day after Christmas, and for once in his life Derek Nurse felt on top of the world. He let the events of the night before play out in his mind again and again, reveling in the absolute wonder of hearing Dex say that he loved him, of kissing Dex, holding him so tight. He knew that they still had a lot to talk about. He knew that Dex still had a lot of shit to work through. Hell, Nursey had a lot of his own shit to figure out as well. In the end though, they were here together, and they were going to figure it out. Dex started to stir slightly, eyes fluttering open. Nursey smiled down at him from where he had propped himself up on an elbow. 

“Good morning, gorgeous.” he murmured. Dex blushed slightly. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Nurse.” He muttered but he leaned up to peck Nursey on the lips, then blushed a darker red. Nursey grinned. 

“I’m not ridiculous. I’m in love. And you’re beautiful.” He answered, pecking Dex again just because he could before pushing himself into a sitting position. Dex followed him, attempting to flatten the hair on the side of his head which had been pushed up awkwardly. Nursey was grinning at him and he couldn’t stop. 

“I’m a mess.” Dex muttered. Nursey shrugged. 

“I always think you’re beautiful.” He pointed out. “You know that.” He added, nodding at the notebook that had fallen to the ground. Dex scooped both notebooks up and handed them to Nursey. 

“The other one is an extra Christmas present. I noticed the one you gave me was pretty much full…” He said, ignoring Nursey’s statement. 

“Thanks, Dex. You really didn’t have to get me so much.” Nursey told him, feeling bad. 

“I wanted to.” Dex muttered, not looking at him. Nursey set his old notebook back in Dex’s lap. 

“This really is for you, you know? Why did you give it back?” He asked. Dex looked surprised. 

“Oh, you want me to keep it? I just figured… it’s a lot of work, and they really are beautiful poems. I figured you’d want them back.” He answered. Nursey chuckled. 

“I’d rather they stayed with you.” He said with a smile. “Since they’re about you, and for you.” 

“Nursey? I… I just wanted to ask, what exactly are we?” Dex stammered out way too fast. Nursey froze. 

“I guess I’m not sure.” He answered after a moment. “We can be whatever you want, Dex.” he said softly.

“That doesn’t help, Derek!” Dex exclaimed. “You know I’m not familiar with this. I mean. I’m a mess. I can’t tell my family about me. I don’t know if I can tell anyone. I barely managed to admit it to myself let alone you and now I’m just… I don’t know…” 

“It’s the truth though.” Nursey told him. “Whatever you want. I don’t care. I’m yours. If you need to wait and just be friends, I’ll wait for as long as you need. If you want to date I’m yours. Tell people, don’t tell people. I don’t care. If you just want to kiss me one day and ignore me the next I’ll still be yours, not matter what.” He confessed.

“It doesn’t work like that!” Dex snapped. “That’s not fair to you. You can’t just DO that.” 

“I don’t care.” Nursey repeated. He knew it was messed up. He knew that if Dex wanted to string him along, love him, reject him, leave him guessing all the time, he would go back every time. He knew he was fucked up. He still didn’t care. He wanted to grab Dex and beg him to just let Nursey love him. He just wanted Dex to let him love him, in whatever way possible. 

“That’s fucked up, Nurse.” Dex told him. Nursey shrugged. 

“I’m fucked up.” He agreed. Dex seemed to deflate at that, letting out a long sigh and slumping against Nursey’s shoulder. 

“So am I.” He muttered. 

“Want to be fucked up together?” Nursey asked. “Who knows. Maybe we’ll end up less fucked up at the end of it all.” 

“That sounds brilliant.” Dex agreed softly, leaning over to kiss Nursey lightly. Nursey smiled against his lips. 

“So does that make you my boyfriend, William Poindexter?” He asked in a whisper. Dex chuckled. 

“Yes, you idiot.” He murmured. “But I don’t know if I can handle telling anyone. I’m still trying to figure all of this out.” He added pulling back slightly. 

“It’s okay, love. We’ll take this slow.” Nursey promised, kissing him again. Finally Dex just relaxed and wrapped his arms around Nursey. They stayed in bed for a long time that morning, trading kisses and smiles, laughing to themselves. Neither of them cared about morning breath, or mussed hair and the beginnings of stubble on their faces. They were just blissfully happy together in their own private bubble for a few hours. 

All too soon though they had to return to the real world. They were still at Dex’s house, with Dex’s conservative family. It was a somewhat frightening place to start their relationship. When one of Dex’s brothers pounded on the door to tell them to get up both of them jumped. Then there was a hurried mess of trying to get dressed, brush teeth, look presentable, before they both tumbled downstairs to deal with the rest of the world. Nursey could sense how terrified Dex was. Like he thought there was some sort of brand across his forehead now that he had entered into a relationship with a man. Nursey felt it himself, but he had spent long enough building up his entirely chill nature to ignore the fear. He made sure he kept himself relaxed, ordinary, even in the face of Dex’s tense jumpiness. 

“Dex, chill.” Nursey muttered to him over lunch. Dex glared at him. 

“I hate you.” he hissed. Nursey laughed. He loved how easy it was to get to Dex with that single word. He wished he could tease back ‘you love me’ but he didn’t dare even if the others couldn’t possibly hear. Instead he let a wide smile spread over his face. 

“Chill.” He repeated, cackling as Dex bit his lip to contain his rage. Still it worked. Dex couldn’t be nearly as nervous when he was busy being angry with Nursey and ranting about how the word ‘chill’ needed to be erased from the English vocabulary. Nursey just leaned back and listened to him go off, watching affectionately as he ranted, waving his hands wildly. Nursey loved that boy so goddamn much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These poor boys...


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How do I love you? Let me count the ways" 
> 
> Yeah basically that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just fluff, I was going to plot and then they got away from me and were so busy being cute and oh well.

“You are such an asshole.” Dex hissed as he pulled Nursey into his room and slammed the door shut behind them. He didn’t give Nursey the time to reply before shoving him back against the wall and kissing him hard. Nursey just kissed him back enthusiastically. It was New Year’s Eve, well techinically now it was New Year’s day. Nursey had been teasing and provoking Dex all day, actually he had been doing it all week to distract him from being nervous and awkward around his family (the extended part of which had thankfully vacated the house). Their bickering had several positive side effects that Nursey hadn’t predicted. One of which was that Tyler seemed much more pleased when they were bickering all the time, and less… suspicious was the only word for the way he had been acting before. The second side effect was this.

“Quick question.” Nursey asked, breathlessly between frantic kisses. Dex snorted incredulously. 

“Seriously?” He demanded as he started working to unbutton Nursey’s shirt. 

“Just wondering,” Nursey murmured as Dex started kissing down his neck. “If us arguing these days results in this… Did you always. I mean… did it always turn you on?” he was losing his usually precise grasp on language as Dex sucked a hickey onto his collar bone. Dex blushed a little, pulling away so he could look at Nursey, then promptly looking away. His embarrassment was answer enough. Nursey grinned, using Dex’s hesitation and quite frankly adorable embarrassment to take control of their make-out session, pulling Dex’s t-shirt off before pushing him back onto the bed. 

They hadn’t done anything more than just making out on Dex’s bed, even though Nursey knew both of them wanted to. Still, he was letting Dex set the pace here. It was Dex’s first relationship after all (at least his first with a guy), Nursey didn’t want to push him. Dex was heart-breakingly apologetic about it all, stammering about how he couldn’t do anything in his parents’ house and a few other things that Nursey hadn’t even been able to understand. Nursey continued to promise him that he was perfect and amazing and incredible and that Nursey loved him so so much. He would wait for Dex for an eternity. He didn’t want Dex to feel pressured by their relationship. He never wanted him to feel uncomfortable. So for the time being they were both blue ballsing themselves into oblivion and taking extra long showers. Even so Nursey thought he had never been happier in his life. 

“We get to go home soon.” Nursey murmured to Dex when they were curled up in bed together that night. The air mattress had not been used since they got together. 

“Thank god.” Dex breathed. 

“Yeah, nothing against your family, of course. I mean this has been the best Christmas break of my life, for a lot of reasons, but I am really looking forward to getting back to the Haus.” Nursey agreed. Dex nodded against his back. 

“A lot of reasons huh?” he asked deviously after a moment. Nursey chuckled.

“Yes. After all I got Christmas presents for basically the first time ever.” Nursey teased. Dex shoved at his shoulder lightly. “And I got to help decorate the most beautiful tree…” He continued. 

“Derek!” Dex laughed. 

“Oh! And I have this amazing boyfriend, I nearly forgot.” Nursey said in mock surprise. “He’s beautiful, smart, funny, brave, kind of a dork sometimes, but in the most adorable way possible.” 

“Is that so?” Dex asked, his voice quieter, sweeter. Nursey nodded. 

“Definitely. He’s got these hands, so clever and beautiful, and when he works on machines, or knits it makes me want to kiss them so badly.” Nursey murmured lifting one of Dex’s hands to his lips, kissing each of his knuckles lightly. “And these freckles, speckled across his face like the most beautiful impressionist painting, or the most expansive constellation. I can never decide whether I want to write sonnets about them or just spend the rest of my life switching between staring at them and mapping them out with my tongue.” Dex squeezed his arms tighter around Nursey making a small adorable squeaking sound. 

“He has this gorgeous hair, so brightly colored, like so much life and light and color is just bursting out of him and the only place it could go was his hair. It’s soft too, so soft that I never want to take my hands out of it.” Nursey continued, reaching back to stroke Dex’s head softly.

“Nursey you…” Dex murmured clearly at a loss for words. Nursey smiled to himself.

“His voice. Oh my goodness one of these days his voice is going to be the death of me.” He said. “It’s so damn beautiful there aren’t even words. He only ever sings when he thinks no one else can hear him, but it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. Even when he’s singing in a language I don’t understand. Especially when he’s singing in a language I don’t understand, because then it’s like it could mean anything. As if it really is all the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard wrapped into one like I always think whenever he starts singing.” Nursey said. Dex pulled on his shoulder so Nursey would roll to face him. Dex was staring at him with those beautiful eyes. 

“He has these amber eyes that burn so bright, like fire.” Nursey murmured, voice breaking slightly for the first time. “And they light up when he’s angry, or excited, or looking at me like I’m the only thing in the world. I feel like I could get lost in them. Or like if I stare into them long enough the fire that is this amazing person might just consume me, and I can’t help thinking that if there’s any good way to leave the world that’s the way for me. Because if those eyes are the last thing I see, I’ll die so happy.” His voice broke again, a whisper rough with emotion. “God, I hope your eyes are the last thing I ever see Dex.” He breathed. Dex surged forwards to kiss him. 

“I love you so much Derek Nurse.” Dex told him fiercely when he broke away. “I can’t tell you all the ways like you can. But I love you so so much.” 

“I know.” Nursey murmured, kissing him on the nose, which made Dex smile adorably. “I can see it in your eyes.” He added. Dex just stared at him for a while, both of them losing track of time as they studied each other’s eyes. Nursey only noticed the time passing as they both started blinking longer and more often, too tried to keep their eyes open. 

“I love you, Dex.” Nursey murmured, kissing him lightly, before curling back into his side to go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be my favorite chapter so far. I hope y'all liked it. (I've got two more for you today).


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the Haus at last!

“We haven’t really talked about what we’re going to tell the guys.” Nursey murmured. They were on their way back to school; back to the Haus which felt more like home to Nursey than anywhere else, even if they didn’t live there. 

“I don’t know.” Dex murmured, “What do you think?” He asked hopefully. Nursey shrugged at him. 

“It’s your call man. I told you, I’m cool with anything we’re doing this on your terms here.” Nursey reminded him. “You know the guys won’t judge or be uncool about it though. It is Samwell after all. We’re on the same team as Shitty.” he added. 

“So you want to tell them then?” Dex asked. Nursey sighed. 

“Dex, when you’re cool with it I’m going to shout it from the rooftops because I want the whole damn world to know how lucky I am, but only when you’re okay with it. Because most of all I want you to be comfortable with whatever we do.” He told his boyfriend. 

“You don’t always have to put me first, you know?” Dex asked softly. 

“I like to.” Nursey reminded him. “Besides in this case your feelings are far more important than the fact that I want to brag about how amazing my boyfriend is.” 

“I don’t know why. I mean, you’re so good to me, so sweet and amazing and I fee like I’m just making everything more difficult.” Dex mumbled. 

“I wish you weren’t so insecure, love.” Nursey murmured. Dex blushed.

“I love it when you call me that.” He muttered. Nursey grinned. 

“I’m glad. So, what are we going to tell the team, love?” He asked. Dex thought about it for a few moments, mulling it over. Nursey knew how much it scared him to think of telling anyone at all. He knew how difficult it still was for Dex just to accept that this was who he was. It was something Dex would only talk about in the middle of the night, when Nursey couldn’t even see him blush, but he had talked about it. 

“I can’t tell people.” Dex pronounced at last. “I’m not saying we have to actively try to keep it a secret or that I don’t trust the team. I’m just not capable of like, declaring it to people.” 

“So, like don’t tell people, keep pda to a minimum, but don’t… hide?” Nursey asked, more than a bit confused. 

“I guess, like if they ask we can tell them, and you don’t have to like… act like nothing’s changed, just…”

“Lowkey. I get it. I can do that.” Nursey agreed. “One thing? Can I tell Bitty? Back when I still thought you were straight we kinda commiserated a bit, and I told him about the thing with the journal so… He may be a bit invested in my relationship status.” Dex laughed. 

“I trust Bitty.” He agreed. “It’s cool.”

“Thanks.” Nursey said with a grin. “I can’t wait to get back to the Haus.” He added after a while.

He was so excited to see Jemma again. Ransom and Holster had been filling their snapchat stories and the group chat with endless pictures of their daughter. It was mildly infuriating not being able to be there when she was celebrating her first Christmas (even if they had done their own Christmas), not being able to see her in person. Nursey missed his niece. He knew that Dex did too.

“I hope Jemma had a good Christmas.” Dex said, as if he knew exactly what Nursey was thinking. 

“Me too.” Nursey murmured, they ended up trading stories about Jemma and kids in general for the rest of the drive back. 

Dex loved kids. That much was clear from how good he was with Jemma and his younger siblings and cousins. Nursey hadn’t thought about it much in the past. He hadn’t interacted with many children, but he had absolutely fallen in love with Jemma, and he loved playing with Dex’s younger cousins and siblings. Now that he did think about it Nursey really loved kids as well. He could feel both of them picturing it: the two of them with a few little redheaded or fuzzy-haired children running around a house that they shared. Neither of them said a word. It was way too soon for them to be talking about forever, or children, but Nursey suddenly knew that there was nothing he wanted more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once they had dropped all their stuff at their respective dorms they headed straight to the Haus. Nursey waited patiently through greetings as everyone exchanged stories from over break (with the exception of Ransom and Holster who were due back the next day). Finally everyone started to disperse and Nursey managed to drag Bitty into a quiet corner of the Haus. 

“Well you were right. Dex is definitely not straight.” Nursey told him, bubbling over with excitement, and a complete lack of chill. 

“Oh my lord are you two-?!” Bitty enthused. 

“Yeah, since Christmas.” Nursey answered brightly. “He asked me not to tell everyone, just kinda let it come out gradually though. I asked to tell you since well…” 

“Thank you! My goodness, you just made my day.” Bitty said brightly. 

“Yeah, I’m so damn happy Bitty it’s ridiculous. I just… I know we’ve still got a lot to work though. After all it’s not easy for a gay guy growing up in a Catholic conservative household, but it’s already more than I ever could have hoped for.” Nursey enthused. Bitty smiled at him. 

“I am so happy for you. Do you think it would be an imposition if I talked to Dex about it? It’s just… I know how it is, I grew up as a gay boy in the south. I have a feeling we share a lot of the same problems.” 

“He’d probably appreciate that actually. I try to help but there’s only so much I can say when I don’t really know what it’s like.” Nursey murmured. “Just… he doesn’t tolerate pity.” 

“Oh honey, I’m more looking for pity than ever looking to hand it out.” Bitty murmured patting Nursey on the shoulder. Nursey smiled at him. Bitty was too damn sweet sometimes. 

Nursey and Dex ended up walking back to the dorms together after dinner. As they did Nursey realized he was suddenly facing the prospect of going back to his empty dorm room alone. He didn’t want that. 

“Hey, Dex?” He asked quietly. Dex glanced over at him. 

“Yup?”

“Do you want… do you want to stay in my room tonight?” Nursey asked hesitantly. 

Part of him hates the way that his voice wavers, hates that he has no chill right now. His usual mask has been so broken down by this boy that he doesn’t even know if it will still work if he has to put it back on this summer around his family. Nursey isn’t sure if he is quite so capable of just being “chill” and not caring about anything anymore. Not when the team has taught him what it’s like to have a family who loves and cares about you. They weren’t a normal family but he had Bitty who was so caring and loving and sweet by nature, Jack who always took care of his team, Lardo who was always there to listen, and Shitty who would fight your battles for you if you ever asked, no matter what. 

Shitty had checked in with him after he talked to Bitty, just to see if he was okay. Shitty had known him before, at Andover. He knew a bit more of how bad things had been for a while. He knew how rough the holidays could be for Nursey. He never pushed though, just set a hand on his shoulder with a quiet “You good?” When Nursey had been able to answer honestly that he was better than ever Shitty had grinned, clapped him on the back and went about his business. Still, he remembered and he cared. It meant a lot. 

Nursey had everyone else too. His family was so much bigger than he had ever expected: Ransom, Holster, Jemma, Chowder, who was the sweetest boy to ever live… And Dex. Dex who was so alive and full of fire that he had made Nursey care enough to fight with him after years of careful uncaring neutrality. Dex who loved him back. Dex who broke down all of his walls. Dex who made him feel so damn alive that it actually scared him; because he was alive and he wanted to stay that way so bad it was frightening. Dex who is saying something. 

“Oh thank god, I was afraid it would be clingy if I asked.” Dex breathed. Nursey grinned turning his footsteps towards his dorm room, Dex as his side. 

“Can I hold your hand?” He asked softly, remembering to ask before doing so. Dex glanced around at the quiet empty campus, and linking his finger’s through Nursey’s. Nursey couldn’t stop himself from grinning like an idiot, and he stopped trying. All of a sudden Derek Nurse decided that he didn’t mind the fact that he had lost his chill, he didn’t want to be that person anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think I'm not formulating a million freaking headcannons for the future in which all of our adorable hockey players are grown ups and have children you clearly don't know me. If you think I'm not going to write and post them, you haven't been paying attention. 
> 
> (I am so excited, it'll take me a while to get thriugh everything else in this verse I need to write/post first but there will be adorable future fluff someday I swear)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Important discussions and the team finding out about shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, last chapter for the day. This one has warnings for depression and shit because Nursey's telling Dex about his almost suicide attempt and his depression. They needed to discuss it.
> 
> Also note, I have no idea what suicide hotline people actually say, I'm winging it.

“I know I’ve said it a million times before but thank you for Christmas.” Nursey murmured as they both got back to his room. Dex rolled his eyes. 

“It’s no big deal, seriously.” he muttered. Nursey shook his head. 

“It was to me.” He said seriously. He knew he needed to tell Dex about his somewhat precarious mental health, he figured this was as good a time as any. “Christmas is a pretty dark time for me.” 

“Yeah, no one should spend Christmas drinking alone.” Dex agreed, still sounding a little casual though. Nursey sighed. 

“Yeah. It’s bad, especially if you’re… already not in the best place. It’s a big time for suicides, Christmas.” Nursey murmured. Dex went still, looking at Nursey with a tragic sort of fear in his eyes. 

“Nurse, what are you saying?” He asked. 

“Um… I mentioned I was fucked up right? Maybe more so than I let across.” Nursey muttered. “When I was sixteen, I uh, well I didn’t actually do it. Nothing happened, but I was already pretty drunk, had a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of pills my mom had from a a time a few years before when she got hurt. I didn’t do it, but I wanted to. I nearly did. I called the suicide hotline instead. A woman talked me down. 

“Her name was Amelia Clarke. She sat there and talked to me for what have been at least an hour. Kept me on the phone to hear me flush the pills. It was Christmas night and I’d never felt more alone in my life. I wanted everything to stop, I just wanted to stop hurting. It felt like it would be the only thing that could ever make it end. I felt like I was nothing but an inconvenience to my family to the world. Hell, I felt guilty for calling, for making her talk to me on Christmas, but she told me that there was nowhere else she would rather be than talking to me. I kept apologizing, I was a mess. She just told me that if she could end her night knowing I was safe and alive that was the best gift I could ever give her. She asked me about hockey, about my life. Said she’d look me up, look up my stats. I don’t know if she ever did, but I’d like to think that she knows I’m still here. I’m sure she took a bunch of calls just like mine over the years she volunteered, but she still made me feel like she genuinely cared, like it would break her heart if I died that night. It was what it took, just knowing that someone out there would be crushed, it kept me alive. She saved my life.” 

Dex was staring at Nursey wordlessly with tears in his eyes. He pulled Nursey into a rib bruising hug.

“Derek, I-” He cut himself off. Nursey held him tight. 

“I’m in a much better place now. I haven’t been anywhere near as bad as I used to be this past year or so, but I thought you should know. Just, I’m gonna have bad days, nothing awful, but it happens. I handle my depression the way I do, I don’t know if it’s the right way, or the healthiest way, but I’m alive, and I’m generally pretty happy these days. I’m damn proud of that. I’m proud of being alive and I needed to tell you that.” He told his boyfriend. Dex leaned up to kiss him. 

“I love you so much, Nursey.” He murmured, “So damn much. And I want you to know, that no matter what happens, even if we break up or whatever someday, I will always care. It would destroy me if you ever died, and I’m going to find Amelia Clarke because I owe her so much.”

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” Nursey asked, wiping the tears off of Dex’s face affectionately. Dex shook his head. 

“I’ve been thinking the exact same thing.” He said, with a smile. He kissed Nursey again. Nursey wrapped his arms tight around his boyfriend, enjoying being able to kiss him without the lingering fear that had been there all break. Sure Dex’s door had locked but his family had been just on the other side of it, it was a little terrifying. Now there were safe behind a locked door that no one had any reason to knock on. Hell, even if people knew Dex and Nursey were in here making out, they wouldn’t care. God, Nursey loved Samwell University. 

“Hey, Nurse,” Dex murmured, “Did you know we’re not in my parents’ house anymore?” He asked, a small sort of a glint in his eyes. Nursey was almost confused for a moment before he remembered Dex’s protests before about doing anything in his parents’ house. He had thought at the time that it might just be an excuse, and he still wasn’t sure. He was about to ask Dex if he was sure, and remind him that they didn’t have to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with, but Dex interrupted him with a bruising kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nursey was surprised by how quickly everything settled back into their version of “normal.” Of course for their team normal meant that they were all helping Ransom and Holster raise their daughter. It also meant Dex and Nursey were settling into their usual routine of skating together and sniping at each other, and kissing and holding hands. It was pretty much the best thing ever. Dex and Nursey had never been better together on the ice. They were developing a near Ransom and Holster level awareness of each other during games and scrimages, knowing where the other was without having to look. It made Nursey wonder sometimes about the D-men pairs on their team, when they both ended up in love. 

The team found out about Dex and Nursey slowly, one by one. Each time Nursey would see Dex tense, so afraid, so ashamed for a moment, before he relaxed as his teammates congratulated them. First was Lardo who noticed them holding hands. Dex had frozen, but hadn’t let go of Nursey’s hand. Lardo grinned and bumped Dex’s shoulder proudly. 

“Get it Poindexter.” Dex had blushed, but smiled a little. 

After that Shitty had burst into the Haus living room once while Dex and Nursey were playing video games and pulled Dex into a hug. 

“You are beautiful and wonderful and perfect just the way you are and I am proud of you!’ Shitty exclaimed, before rushing out to who knows where. Dex looked over at Nursey in confusion. 

“So either he knows, and he’s trying to be encouraging and supportive… or he’s just Shitty.” Nursey observed. Dex had chuckled a bit nervously but shrugged. 

“I guess.” He agreed. 

Things proceeded like that until Nursey was pretty sure the entire team was well aware of their relationship. He and Dex still didn’t really flaunt it. Dex wasn’t really cool with pda, and Nursey didn’t mind. After all, it was his bed that Dex spent half of his nights in. He was happier than ever. It was great for a while. It was perfect. Naturally that’s when things started to go wrong in quick succession. Starting with the knock on the door during Jemma’s half-birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that wasn't too dark. The "plot" or what passes for it in my stories is returning. We should be nearing the end soon (I think). 
> 
> I think it's worth noting that if I wrote smut, this is where I'd put it. Sorry about the fact that I don't.
> 
> Also worthy of note is the level to which I've been losing it over the new updates. Seriously I was flailing and screaming and losing my mind. Faith (my QP partner, beta and the most fantastic person ever) is a darling for putting up with me sometimes, I'm a crazy mess. I wrote Y'all a bit about Hansom taking Jemma to the Falconer's game but I am incapable of getting it to transfer from my phone to my laptop so I can post it, for the moment at least. I'll get it out to you when I can.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the grandparents from hell and the fallout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I have actual wifi! I'm posting from my laptop not my phone! It's so beautiful! I have three chapters for y'all and one of them is the Epilogue! Yay!

Nursey freezes when Mrs. Williams starts screeching at Ransom and Holster. He’s gotten so used to Samwell, to no one caring whether you’re straight, gay, bi, pan, ace or anything else, that he’s forgotten how many people like this there are. He feels Dex stiffen by his side. They’re pressed against each other on the couch and Nursey can feel when Dex starts shaking at the words that the Williams’s are flinging around “Unnatural!” “Wrong!” everything Nursey know’s Dex is afraid of hearing. He wants to wrap an arm around him, to reach out and take his hand, comfort him, but he’s frozen in place for the moment. 

Nursey can’t seem to do anything as Jack stops Shitty and Bitty from fighting the Williams’s (he’s not sure whether they were going to scream them into submission or do something more physical, but Bitty had looked pretty ready to get over his fear of checking by body-checking Mrs Williams out of the door). It’s not until Chowder, who is sitting next to Nursey on the other side, bursts to his feet that Nursey unfreezes. Jack has carried Bitty out. Lardo has dragged Shitty away. Chowder is just trying to get Jemma out of the room while they yell at each other. He hears Chowder talking fast.

“I’ll take Jemma up to your room. Dex, Nursey, and I will take care of her.” he said, “She shouldn’t be here for this.” 

Nursey stands up hoping that Dex will just follow him. He doesn’t. He’s sitting frozen in his seat. He’s still shaking and Nursey can hear his breath coming fast and shallow. Nursey pulled him to his feet wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“Come on Dex. It’s alright, don’t take it personally. Dex, sweetheart. Come on.” He urged, helping Dex up the stairs. Dex follows numbly more than anything. Chowder is ahead of them with Jemma but he stops to look back at Dex. 

“Are you okay?” He asked softly… “I know it’s not easy… I-” Dex waved his kind words away. Nursey sighs. 

“I think we should just sit and talk for a little bit. He’ll be okay, Chow, he just needs some time. You take Jemma up to the attic, I’m sure Bitty won’t mind if we borrow his room.” He added gesturing to the open door. Dex followed him in and sat down on the bed. Nursey closed the door behind them.

“It’s okay, Dex. You’re safe.” He murmured, sitting down next to his boyfriend. As if he had been waiting for those words, waiting for some kind of permission, Dex finally breaks down. He slings to Nursey as he cries, and Nursey just holds him through it, rubbing his back gently. He’s not sure how long it is until Dex’s tears and hyperventilating fade into quiet sniffles, it feels like an eternity. Hearing Dex cry feels like a knife to Nursey’s chest. He feels so useless, just sitting there murmuring that it was going to be okay, unable to really fix anything. He wishes he could go out and find every homophobic biggot in the world and punch one for each tear his beautiful boyfriend sheds. 

“I’m sorry.” Dex sniffed. “I feel so stupid.” Nursey shook his head, kissing Dex on the forehad.

“Don’t apologize.” He murmured. “It’s okay. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to break down. You’re always allowed to feel and you’re feelings are always valid.” He told him, saying all the things he wished someone had told him when he was upset. The things he needed so desperately to hear. Dex curled closer against him, and Nursey isn’t sure for a moment whether it’s because he’s said the right thing or made it worse. 

“I just… it felt like the voices in my head escaped. Like she was just screaming everything I’m thinking sometimes back at me. Everything I’m afraid of hearing. I can’t help it sometimes. I love you, Derek, I love you so much, and I think you’re perfect. I think Bitty’s fantastic. I think Ransom and Holster are the best. Lardo, Jack, everyone on this team who’s a part of the community, somehow I’m capable of letting go of everything I was told when I was young when it comes to all of you. I can think that it was stupid and wrong and that all of you are great. But me…” Dex’s voice broke and it was a moment before he could speak again. 

“I can’t seem to forgive myself. Everytime I look at you and think how damn beautiful you are, remember that we’re us… some part of me is screaming that I’m a freak, I’m unnatural, I’m not supposed to think that way, that it’s wrong. That I’m going to hell. It hurts. I just. I don’t want it to hurt when I think my partner is good-looking. I wish it didn’t hurt. I wish… God I wish I wasn’t gay.” he confessed. “I tried so hard not to be. I tried so hard to be straight, to be like my brothers. To be what my family thinks I should be, but I can’t. I’m gay, and I wish I wasn’t so bad it hurts.” 

Dex was crying again, his face pressed into Nursey’s shirt. Nursey held him close, silent for the moment. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to help. He wanted to make anything hurting Dex die a painful death, but he couldn’t. It was destroying him to think that their relationship was this hard on Dex. Nursey wanted… oh he didn’t know. He just wanted Dex to be happy. He thought that if it was possible to magically make someone straight he would make Dex straight so that he didn’t have to suffer, even if it meant Nursey could never be with him. 

“That was a horrible thing to say.” Dex moaned. 

“No.” Nursey told him. “It was the truth. It’s okay. It’s how you feel. I hate that you feel that way, because you’re suffering and I would do anything to make it so you aren’t, but you should never feel bad for telling me the truth about how you feel. I would always you rather tell me the truth and hurt me, then lie to protect my feelings.” 

“I’m still sorry.” Dex murmured. Nursey held him close. 

“I am too, Dex. I am too. I’m sorry that you were raised the way you were. I’m sorry I can’t make you straight. I’m sorry there are so many biggots in this world. I’m sorry that loving me hurts you, and I’m sorry that I can’t regret our relationship for it.” He murmured. “I’m sitting here trying to find the courage to say you should leave me if it will mean you hurt less, but I don’t think I can. I’m more selfish than I thought I guess.” 

“No!” Dex yelped, his grip on Nursey tightening so much that it actually hurt for a moment. He was strong. “No. God no. I couldn’t. I don’t want that. I don’t want to leave you, never. This is… you’re one of the best things to ever happen to me. I just…” He sighed. Nursey got the feeling that Dex didn’t really know what he thought, or what he wanted. 

“I love you, Dex.” Nursey murmured, something in his chest relaxing a little now that the threat of Dex leaving had retreated. “Are you okay to move now? Check up on the others?”

“Not yet.” Dex murmured. “Just… that word. I didn’t think it would have such an effect. ‘Unnatural’” he shuddered as he repeated it. 

“Swans can be gay.” Nursey said. Dex looked at him in surprise. Nursey smiled a little. “I think it’s like over fifteen-hundred species in the animal kingdom where there are gay couples observed. They’re natural. They’re important to the survival of the species. If babies are ever abandoned or orphaned the gay couples take them in, all the straight animals are too worried about having kids of their own.” Dex smiled a little, looking actually happy for the first time since the party had been interrupted. 

“Really?” He asked. Nursey nodded. 

“Yup. Look it up. Animal kingdom, natural as it gets, no expectations put on them because of religion or whatever, and there they are being gay. Swans mate for life too, so it’s not like something that’s temporary or whatever.” He said. Dex chuckled. 

“Why the hell do you know so much about gay swans?” He asked, rolling his eyes a little. Nursey shrugged. 

“Because I’m a member of the community, and this is the type of stuff we talk about. The type of stuff we have to remember when people like Mrs. Williams start throwing slurs at us. You aren’t the only one who feels the way you do Dex. It’ll get better, I swear. And maybe whenever you start to really think like that, you can remember that swans can be gay.” He said softly. Dex nodded a little, still smiling. 

“Thank you, Nursey.” He murmured.

“Of course, Love.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So really this is the only big "things go wrong" thing. I said there was going to be multiple at the end of the last chapter, I lied. Suddenly I realized the story was almost over so... yeah.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving forwards, Important Talks, and weddings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so much longer than all the others, oops. Hope you like it!

Things were… different after that. Nursey couldn’t give you an exact what how they were different. Things had shifted in Dex and Nursey’s world though. He couldn’t say exactly whether it was positive or negative either. Dex seemed withdrawn in a way. He had withdrawn from Nursey a little. He was less physically affectionate, he didn’t always take advantage of times when he and Nursey might steal some free time together. There were times when he looked away from Nursey, with something like hurt in his eyes. Nursey wanted to say it didn’t hurt, after all, Dex was still with him, Dex still told him he loved him. Still, it did hurt. He tried not to say it, he tried to just allow Dex his space, he wasn’t sure how successful he was in hiding it. That was all decidedly negative. 

Then there were the other things. He heard Dex talking to Bitty in the kitchen about growing up gay in a conservative environment, the two of them swapping stories and reassurances. Several times he saw Dex and Shitty deep in conversation about acceptance, diversity, and different types of sexualties. One day Dex asked Nursey to help him set up a tumblr, and when Nursey saw him scrolling through his dash several days later he saw a lot about LGBTQIA+ issues. Dex didn’t talk about it with Nursey a lot, but he wasn’t trying to hide it from him either. He would stop talking and smile at Nursey when he noticed him listening in on conversations he had with Shitty or Bitty. And Dex was starting to seem… lighter maybe. It was a slow process, over the course of several weeks, the weeks leading up to Ransom and Holster’s wedding. 

That was another thing that was different, for all of them. Ransom and Holster were getting married. They still weren’t together (yet) but they were engaged. Ransom had the beautiful engagement ring to prove it. Everyone was pitching in to help with wedding planning. At this point everyone knew that Ransom and Holster were in love with each other. Nursey was pretty sure that Ransom and Holster both knew that they were in love with each other, but it was like they were dancing on a knife’s edge, waiting to see what would happen. Everyone else was just sort of watching in fascination, waiting for the inevitable. Nursey had been worried about how Dex might react to being a part of a gay wedding and yet… Dex seemed sort of fascinated by the whole thing. He was doing everything he could to help, to be involved. 

It wasn’t what Nursey had expected, but then again he had learned better than to think Dex would ever be predictable. On the outside everything probably looked pretty much the same, Dex and Nursey and their relationship probably seemed pretty much the same, but they weren’t. Things were shifting. Dex was changing. He was settling into his skin in a way that he hadn’t before. It was good. Nursey could see that it was good for Dex and he was proud of him… but part of him held back. Part of him couldn’t help watching it apprehensively as if from a distance. He knew the change was good for Dex but the thing was, he couldn’t be sure that when Dex came out the other side he would still love Nursey. Nursey on the other hand still found himself falling more and more in love every day. It was terrifying to watch the boy he loved change, to fall more in love with him, become more dependent on him, even as he felt the future of their relationship was up in the air. 

The day before the wedding Nursey was sitting on the Haus porch roof, scrawling a few new poems in the notebook Dex had given him for Christmas. He looked up when he heard the window open, Dex climbed out with his laptop in hand and sat down by his side. Nursey saw, to his surprise and glee, that where the Samwell Republican sticker had once resided on his laptop a sticker with a simple equal sign resided. They sat together in companionable silence for a few moments. Nursey nodded at the laptop after a moment. 

“Nice.” he murmured. Dex grinned and nodded. 

“Yeah, I’ll have to be careful around my family but I like it.” He said. He scooted closer to Nursey and kissed him. Nursey was a bit surprised, anyone walking by could see them. For the first time, Dex didn’t seem to care. 

“I love you.” Nursey murmured into the quiet when Dex pulled back. Dex was sitting right next to him now, their legs pressed against each other, both of them dangling their feet off the edge of the roof. He twined his arm through Nursey’s and laced their fingers together. 

“I love you too, Nurse.” Dex said quietly. “I wanted to talk to you.” he added. Nursey’s heart skipped a beat, and he stopped breathing. 

“Okay.” He agreed, softly, bracing himself for whatever was going to come. He could already feel the mask he had been so happy to get rid of reforming, the walls he had torn down building themselves back up. He would need them to act okay with this. He would need them to pretend to be chill once more. 

“I’ve been pulling away from you. I know you noticed, and I know it hurt you. I’m sorry. I should have talked to you about it, and you should know it’s not because I don’t trust you, or want to talk to you about everything in my life, but I needed to sort through some things for myself.” Dex said, with the air of someone who had put a lot of thought into his words. “I told you how hard it was for me, being gay, being in love with you, hating myself for it. It was bad. Not that I regret being with you, or loving you for a single second. But the way I was going about our relationship was bad. I was letting me hurt myself with you, and that wasn’t right. It wasn’t good for me. I was trying too hard. I was trying to ignore the fact that sometimes loving you hurt me. I shouldn’t have done that. If I had kept on the way I was this would have ended bad. I would have turned this into something unhealthy and bad. I realized that that day, on Jemma’s half-birthday. I realized I needed to change if we were going to have any sort of shot at this, and if there was one thing I knew I didn’t want to let go of it was you.” Dex murmured, squeezing Nursey’s hand. 

“Okay.” Nursey agreed. “I get that, sort of at least. I knew you were working through some stuff. I was trying to give you as much space as you needed. You know I just want you to be happy.” 

“Yeah. You’ve always been patient and kind about all of this. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.” Dex murmured with a smile. “So, yeah these past few weeks I’ve been pulling back a little, stopping myself from letting loving you hurt me. I was trying to put a little distance there so I didn’t kill us with this. It wasn’t easy. I… is it stupid to say I’ve missed you?” 

“No.” Nursey breathed. “I’ve missed you so much.” He admitted, leaning into Dex. Dex held onto his arm tightly. 

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t easy for either of us. But I, I figured some things out. And here’s the way it is: I’m gay. I was born gay. I will be gay. Nothing is changing that. And you know what, I’m proud of who I am. I survived through a lot of bullshit, that I didn’t deserve, because I’m no more unnatural than anyone else in this world. I am who I am, and I am proud. I’m part of a community of really brave, amazing people, people like Bitty, and Lardo, and Ransom, and Holster, and you. People who are there for each other and are so much better at love and acceptance than the people who think we’re wrong. 

“I’m really glad. I’m glad I’m a part of this, this amazing community, this college where everyone is so cool about it, where Ransom and Holster have a daughter and are getting married and no one cares. They love each other, even if they haven’t figured it out properly yet and they’re gonna get married and everyone treats that any differently than anyone else getting married. I love that. I love that I’m in a place where I can see that, where I don’t have to grow up thinking that there’s no hope, because that’s stupid. Of course there’s hope. I can have a happy future just like anyone else, I can get married and have kids if I want to. I can live my life in the open being gay. I want that. I really do, I don’t want to hide, like something about me or my love is shameful. That’s stupid. I shouldn’t have to hide and I don’t want to make you hide either. I love you, I’m gay, and I’m ready to be out and damn proud of it, proud to be with you. I probably still won’t come out to my family yet, someday, but not yet. I’ll get there though. Hopefully someday I’ll have to, because I can hardly get married without telling them and I won’t be marrying a woman.” Dex grinned a little. He looked at Nursey for the first time. He had been staring out at the lawn and road below them before. 

“I don’t know if this, us, will last forever, that’s a lot to put on us right now, but I want to give it a shot if you do.” He said at last. Nursey let out a huge shaky breath, not sure how long he had been holding it in. It couldn’t have been the whole time that Dex was talking but he wasn’t sure when he had actually breathed. 

“Definitely.” He said at last. “I love you, Dex. I’m so damn proud of you. I’m glad you’re doing better. I’m so… god I love you so much. I’m in this, one hundred percent, for as long as you’ll have me.” Nursey promised with a grin. 

“Oh good.” Dex murmured, leaning over to kiss him again, “Because I’m not planning on letting go of you anytime soon.” He added. 

“You know I was more than a little bit terrified that you were about to break up with me.” Nursey confessed. Dex shook his head, holding tighter to Nursey. 

“Oh no! I’m so sorry.” He exclaimed, sounding truly distressed. “Shit, I did basically intro with ‘We need to talk’, didn’t I?” He asked, laughing a little. Nursey nodded. 

“Yeah, nearly gave me a heart attack.” He chuckled. Dex sighed and leaned his head against Nursey’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry.” He murmured. Nursey waved his apology off. 

“It’s okay, it’s all good now.” 

“Things still won’t be perfect though you know?” Dex asked hesitantly. “I mean, I’m probably still going to have some trouble hanging onto my newfound confidence, and I’m going to have to deal with my family eventually and-”

“Shhh.” Nursey murmured, kissing Dex into silence. “Nothing is ever perfect. We’ll figure it all out.” 

“Yeah.” Dex agreed. They lapsed into silence again. Nursey went back to writing, Dex opened his laptop and started working on homework. The quiet between them was more comfortable than it had been in weeks. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The wedding the next day was a blur of happiness and chaos. Dex and Nursey spent most of the day separate from each other, tending to their respective grooms, as they were both groomsmen. More than anything though they were busy doing as Bitty said. Dex had started muttering rebelliously about being kitchen slaves and having to chaperone Ransom and Holster around so they wouldn’t see each other. Still he didn’t do anything about it. All of them knew better than to defy Bitty that day. 

When they were finally all lining up to walk down the aisle to their places Dex came to Nursey’s side and kissed him on the cheek before linking his arm through Nursey’s. 

“Love you.” He murmured. 

“Love you too, darling.” Nursey answered. Then they walked together down the flower strewn aisle and parted to stand on their respective sides. The ceremony was beautiful. Ransom and Holster’s vows made Nursey cry, and he saw Dex wiping his eyes as well. It made him wonder what he would write if he had to write his vows right now… He knew that he and Dex weren’t anywhere near there yet, but maybe someday. It was day for hope, and Nursey felt high off of it. 

After Dex had set up the sound system and Ransom and Holster had opened the dancing (with their first dance as Mr. and Mr. Oluransi) Nursey pulled Dex onto the dance floor. They danced to slow and fast songs, being ridiculous and aburd and just so damn in love. Not caring for once who was around to see it. No one else cared, everyone was happy, celebrating, dancing. All of the guys on the team took turns picking up Jemma and twirling her around the dance floor. Ransom and Holster were endlessly wrapped up in each other and their daughter. People kept clinking their glasses in the universal wedding symbol for them to kiss, they complied every time. Nursey noticed that half of the time it was Shitty who started it, but he didn’t call him out. He just rolled his eyes and pointed it out to Dex who laughed. 

As far as Nursey was concerned it was a perfect day. A perfect new beginning.


	18. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. It's been really good. This is the end of this fic but fear not there are many more in this verse coming to you because my brain will not stop. Ever.

All of the guys from the Haus drove into Boston together for the Pride parade. The idea to all go had started with Shitty. They had all been sitting around the living room eating Bitty’s most recent pie and playing with Jemma. Shitty had looked around at Ransom and Holster (who were married with a child), Dex and Nursey (who were curled up next to each other on the couch), and Bitty and Jack (Bitty was actually sitting ON Jack) and laughed. 

“I can’t believe Chowder and I are the only straight ones here!” He had exclaimed in disbelief. Nursey had been mildly surprised to find out that Shitty himself was straight (just the best ally EVER). Even more surprising had been Chowder who had blushed but shook his head.

“You’re actually alone there, Shitty.” he said mildly. “I’m Pan, didn’t I mention?” they had all stared. Somehow no one had imagined that sweet innocent little Chowder would have even thought about it enough to figure out if he was anything but straight. Shitty had been the first to break into a grin, standing up to give Chowder a congratulatory hug. It actually made a lot of sense, Chowder was so damn enthusiastic about everything and everyone after all. 

“Right then. I’m going to Boston Pride this summer, who is coming with me?” Shitty demanded. “Since all of you are part of the community!” 

Everyone had agreed enthusiastically. Now they were all decked out in pride colors. Ransom and Holster were pink blue and purple all over for their bisexuality. Lardo had the same colors streaked through her hair. Bitty was decked out in rainbow from head to toe. He had also found a tiny rainbow dress for Jemma who rode in a pack on Ransom’s back. Shitty was rainbow all over. He was the best fucking ally there was. Jack was dressed normally but he was there. He had warned Georgia, and the Falconers that pictures of him at Pride would undoubtedly turn up on the internet and that as far as reasons went he was there for his team, all of them were members of the LGBTQ+ community and he supported them completely. (The whole team knew that he was there for himself as much as anyone else though. Nursey didn’t know whether he was gay or bi but it didn’t matter, for the time being he was unfortunately closeted). Chowder was wearing the pansexual colors with pride. 

Nursey had donned a bisexual pride shirt, it had a quote from “The Road to El Dorado” (Both? Both? Both. Both is good.) in the bisexual pride colors. Dex was wearing a rainbow shirt. He looked slightly self-conscious about it, but he was wearing it, and he was there. He gripped Nursey’s hand tight as they climbed out of the car together.

“You good?” Nursey asked softly. Dex nodded staring out at the masses of rainbow colored people flowing through the streets. A smile spread across his face.

“Yeah, I really am.” He agreed. “I’m great.” 

“Let’s go!” Shitty called brightly, waving them into the crowd. It was a beautiful day, the sun was high in the sky not a cloud in sight. Music was blasting out from somewhere in the parade. Everywhere they looked were people celebrating their pride. People just like them. It was great. Nursey couldn’t stop grinning, and when he looked at Dex at his side he saw his boyfriend was exactly the same. He squeezed Dex’s hand a little. 

“This is fantastic.” Dex murmured, pressing his shoulder into Nursey’s. Nursey nodded, and then, because he could he leaned over and kissed Dex. He felt the redhead go still for a moment before he relaxed and kissed back. 

“I love you.” Nursey murmured. “You beautiful, brave fantastic boy. What would I do without you?” 

“Write sad poetry.” Dex teased. “I love you too, sweetheart. I love this. I love being with you out here where anyone can see and know exactly how much you mean to me just by seeing us.” he said, turning to look around them. Nursy nodded. 

“No more hiding.” He agreed. “You are fantastic, just how you are.” 

“No more hiding.” Dex agreed firmly. “Really though. I want to come out to my family.” He said. Nursey looked at him in surprise. 

“Really? Are you sure?” he asked. Dex nodded.

“I’ve been sort of... pressing a bit and I think it might be okay. I don’t know exactly how they’ll respond, but my parents love me, I know that. I can’t imagine that they will really ever stop loving me because this is the way I was born. I’m not sure about the rest of my extended family, and I think Tyler might be a real dick about it. Still I think if anything I might be able to get my family to be more accepting in general if they realize that it’s not just faceless gay people out there being sinful, but me, their son who they know and love. A good Catholic boy who also happens to be gay.” he explained. 

“Do you want me to be there?” Nursey asked. “If you want I’ll drive you home, and if they react badly we can pack up your stuff and I’ll take you home with me or anywhere you want to go. I don’t want you to feel trapped there if it goes bad.” He offered. Dex let out a sigh of relief. 

“Would you come? I… I know I want to do this, and I think I can, but I don’t want to do it alone. I’m so much braver when you’re there.” He said. 

“Of course! I will always be there if you need me, love.” Nursey promised. “But for what it’s worth, look around, there are millions of people in our community, you’re never alone, even if you feel like it.” He added. Dex glanced around at the crowd, nodding. 

“I think I’m okay, just as long as I’ve got you.” He said, smiling and kissing Nursey again. 

“Come on you sappy idiots!” Shitty called pulling them forwards faster to stay with their group. Nursey grinned at his team. Jack and Bitty were boxed into the center of their group, and hidden from the rest of the world, their hands were linked between them. Ransom and Holster were practically dancing as they walked along, laughing and grinning with Jemma laughing brightly. Surrounded by so much happiness and love, Nursey couldn’t even be afraid of the conversation he and Dex would have to have with the Poindexters soon. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nearly half a year later Nursey sat down to his second Christmas dinner with the Poindexter family. Things were more tense than they had been the year before. One section of the family was missing completely. Dex had told Nursey not to bring it up, but that one of his Uncles had made a fuss, being homophobic and awful, so Dex’s parents had disinvited their whole branch of the family from Christmas. It had been a huge row and none of them had talked to each other, or about it, since. Tyler Poindexter refused to talk to Nursey or Dex these days, preferring to ignore their existence. It was better than how he had started off though. He had been being a complete dick, hissing insults and slurs at them under his breath. Finally, when he called Dex a faggot Dex had dragged his brother outside and punched him. Nursey had watched in shock, having never seen Dex really fight anyone before. The elder Poindexters though, had stopped him from interfering, shaking their heads and murmuring that this was just how the boys dealt with things. Apparently dealing with things involved beating the shit out of each other. Still, Dex had come out of it the clear winner and Tyler had started ignoring them instead of insulting them. It was an improvement. 

The rest of the Poindexters were still getting used to things. They weren’t necessarily happy that Dex was gay, and some of the aunts uncles and cousins appeared to be ignoring it more than anything, calling Nursey Dex’s “Friend” and acting like nothing had changed, but they would adjust. Dex’s siblings, with the exception of Tyler, had all accepted him happily, and seemed more than happy to accept Nursey too. (It was something that Nursey was finding to be universal, younger people just got over this type of thing so much faster. Still, it hadn’t really gone that badly when Dex and Nursey had told Dex’s parents. There had been a lot of crying, and way too much Jesus talk for Nursey, but in the end both of them had agreed that they loved their son, and they would do their best to accept him, and his boyfriend. They had been good on their word. They were awkward, and obviously still somewhat upset by it all, but the fact that they loved Dex was the one constant that would never change. So they did their best to stop saying things that would hurt him, and they didn’t let homophobic people into their home. It wasn’t perfect yet, occasionally someone would still say something that would make Dex wince and Nursey squeeze his hand sympathetically, but it was getting better. It was as good as either of them had hoped for. 

“Hey,” Nursey remembered, looking over at Dex. “Happy Anniversary, love.” Dex smiled and kissed him on the cheek, ignoring his family’s awkward stiffness. 

“Happy anniversary.” He said with a smile. “The first of many.” He added in a whisper. Nursey grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so everyone's sexualities in this are my own personal headcannons, I made Chowder Pan, I'm not sorry. Also the shirt I have Nursey wearing is a shirt I own, it's beautiful and I love it. 
> 
> A million thank yous to everyone who has read this, left kudos and especially to those who commented. I love you all and I read and reread all of your comments they bring me joy. I would reply to every single one of you if I had the time and my social anxiety would quit telling me that I sound stupid. Anyway Thank You, Thank You. See you in the next fic in this verse I'm sure!

**Author's Note:**

> As always Comments and Kudos are most welcome. Thank you for reading!


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